Mute not Speechless
by Anxiety-Issues21
Summary: A new servant is accepted into the Kuchiki household. Though she cannot speak, Byakuya will find she can express far more than other people...
1. Chapter 1

_Thank you for clicking, and welcome to never-updating hell. I've decided to revisit this old story of mine and re-do a few things, but hopefully it won't change the general reception drastically... Without further ado-_

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"You are to address him as Kuchiki-sama."

The elderly woman's wrinkled, but strong hands worked their way through my new, clean, beautiful oh so beautiful clothes. She tied tiny strings so soft and silky they resembled spider's web. Spider's web...

Never in my life had I seen clothes as beautiful. Silly - they were only servant's robes, Kami - but the feeling of happiness clutched my throat so tight that even if I could speak, I probably wouldn't have.

Remembering the elderly woman's words, I nodded, even though, obviously, there was no way I'd ever address him.

"You are to address his wife as Hisana-sama."

Beautiful, gentle Hisana-sama. From what I'd heard - and I hadn't heard much - she was a kind, candid sort of person. Maybe, I thought, I resembled her a bit. Pfft. In my dreams.

"You are to never interrupt their personal conversations, unless you carry a message from someone of Kuchiki-sama's rank. Understood?"

The kind elderly woman had very small, blue eyes that pierced me with intelligence and coldness. Although dressed in the robes of a servant, like me, she still seemed more fit to fight as a Shinigami than take care of the Kuchiki mansion. I wouldn't have put it past her that she was a thief or knifer back in the Rukongai.

Oookay. Enough of that. She was looking at me expectantly, which meant she wanted me to say something.

"Well? Are you deaf, girl? What's your name?"

It was time to admit I was a mute. Or... you know, not.

With my left hand, the one I found dominant and the one free of the standard Kuchiki household glove, I reached to show her the wooden pendant on my neck. It was the only word I knew how to write, and that's just because some dead fisherman showed me, years ago. He was a distanced man, he appreciated the fact I never asked questions. As a parting gift, and also pay, he gave me this necklace - and a name. Mizuka. The scent of water. An aroma I couldn't remember, but he always described as 'more beautiful than a woman's', so.

"Na... hm, I can barely... oh, Mizuka. Well, Mizuka-chan, my name is Hana.", as she spoke, her voice got softer and her eyes changed into the kind pupils of a granny. She was a hard-working, trustworthy woman. Or I was just really naive. Either way, I was going to find out sooner or later. "If you need help, you can come to me - but in reasonable hours, you understand."

I nodded eagerly, ready to start. Behind my most obvious motive - I truly needed to be employed, Kami - stood boldly my deep love and respect for the great families. Seeing... just seeing more of the mansion... the mere thought of it made my heart beat faster. I would try to keep some pride, but it was going to be a struggle.

Time went by and my hopes slowly rotated back to where they'd come from. Kuchiki-sama and Hisana-sama where nowhere to be seen. I started feeling depressed. The news of being offered a place in the Kuchiki mansion pulled me right out of an ocean of darkness - only to make me jump head-first right back into it. Damn.

You'd be amazed if you saw what the mansion was like, though. Just a brief walk through those beautiful corridors made at least half of my sorrow go away. As my hands dipped a cloth in a bowl of water and scrubbed the floor where Kiri had spilt warm milk, my eyes wandered over the walls, desperately trying not to blink. To be honest, my deep admiration was a laughable topic for the others - the other servants, that is - and I couldn't blame them, but I also couldn't stop. What a little fool... what a little fool I was, stunned by the glory surrounding me.

But what else can a girl who grew up in the slums of Rukongai do?

"That's seriously enough, Mizuka-chan", said Kiri's voice, waking me from my daydream. I hadn't realised my hands were still scrubbing - dear, they'd gotten red. I frowned a little. "You... yeah, whatever, it will do."

Her slightly patronizing look wasn't embarrassing for me. She found me endearing, well, I was barely fifteen on the surface - I died well past the age of thirty, though, this childish attitude was just a part of my character - but there was no way to tell her this. I couldn't write, only sign, and that language was so rarely known that I didn't even bother trying it anymore.

I raised the bowl and put the cloth in it again, then passed the whole thing to Kiri. She helped me up. Her hands were sturdy and rough, she'd worked for the Kuchiki family far longer than me.

I remembered her first words to me, rude, brutal - 'get your shit together, girl, this is no place for weaklings'. Pfft, I knew that very well. And I was no weakling.

"Are you going to say something? Or are you gonna just sit here and look at me with your doe eyes? Get to work, you hear me?"

She looked so dangerous back then. The kind of woman who was born aged fifty. Though her face made me believe she was barely in her twenties, I knew she her real age had more digits.

I once heard her yelling at a servant boy. Poor thing, got lost in time staring at her. Kiri was very beautiful. Maybe not her nose, or her strong jawline, but her eyes were always warm. Some people's eyes are simply warm.

She laughed roughly, noticing I wouldn't let go of her hand even after she'd pulled me to my feet.

"What are you doing that for? Don't act so overly grateful, it's gross.", she said. "Listen, you're needed in the kitchen."

Nod. Before she knew it, I was off.

I had spent many years in the Rukongai, working as a nurse, a helper, a servant. Though you may think having no voice made my life harder, with time I realised it was the opposite - people were more willing to accept me as a worker, simply because I came with a secrecy guarantee. A quiet, invisible girl sneaking about, capable of answering in only two ways - yes, no - and silently, too. Not to act immodest, but then again, being mute wasn't a trait I could be proud of. I hadn't ripped my tongue out for it or anything. I just... I just was like this.

(Also, oh the satisfaction of knowing secrets. Dirty little secrets that slipped right into my head and never left, and what was even better, I wasn't bound by a single promise. Employers found it obvious that I wouldn't tell. Perhaps they should have thought twice.)

Purity is not one of those things I have. Doe eyes or not, my personality is... pretty rotten, and the only innocence left is my admiration. Other than that, you'll find I make a good actress and display way too much pride at times. Stuck-up, for a mere servant.

"Mizuka-chan", Hana noticed my entry from her wooden chair under one of the kitchen walls. "You look terrible. Change clothes immediately."  
Nod. A few moments later I was in a dusty pink kimono, the one I dirtied while cleaning left waiting for me to fix it up later on. Returning to see Hana, I noticed from the corridor that her chair was already empty - dear, I must have angered her somehow. Maybe I took too long...?

"Calm down, you're panicking", there she was, back again, a tray in her hands. "I can see everything in your eyes, how do you do that? Kami.", she let out a deep sigh, reminding me of her old age, "Now carry this up to Hisana-sama's quarters. She's in bed, very sick, don't disturb her."

I definitely won't. My steps didn't echo on the stairs.

Neither Hisana-sama or Kuchiki-sama were purposely hiding from me. That much was clear, come on. The very idea was ridiculous. It just so happened that I... well, I wasn't lucky enough to see them. However, now that I was headed to her room - Hisana-sama's room - I couldn't help but feel mildly curious.

Mildly. Who am I kidding.

From what Kiri had told me in a scolding tone when we washed the dishes, I knew Hisana-sama suffered from something very serious. I had met ill souls before - the Rukongai was filled with them - but for me, a noble... how could someone as pure and perfect as a noble be ill?

I was naive for a proud piece of shit.

Hisana slept in a bed originally meant for guests. The one she'd once shared with Kuchiki-sama was now his alone; I hadn't been there yet, but on the other hand, I hadn't had much time to investigate. That didn't mean I wasn't going to. As you might have guessed, rules weren't something I worked by, but I made sure nobody noticed me when I broke them. I was planning on taking a walk and listening in on Hisana-sama and Kuchiki-sama some time.

With a sigh, I pressed on the door handle with my elbow and entered Hisana-sama's bedroom.

"Who is that?", came an absent voice.

Oh, how much did I want to answer that. I had quite a beautiful name. Instead, I placed the tray on her bedside table, then bowed low and showed her my pendant.  
Hisana was indeed wonderful, with huge, violet eyes and silky hair. How sickness could fall on someone this beautiful - it was absurd to me. Absurd. I felt a tiny, tiny bit of sadness. She lay alone amongst white sheets, so white they made her face se even paler. This was one of the 'worse' days. 'Worse' because Hisana-sama felt 'worse' and 'worse' because Kuchiki-sama... well, Kuchiki-sama didn't speak a word to anyone, locking himself in his study or spending the whole day away from home.

"Are you... are you crying, Mizuka-chan?", Hisana smiled faintly, but her eyes soon lost focus and drifted away from me. It felt like she was talking from behind some kind of barrier. It wasn't pride; I knew pride, believe me.

Hisana-sama was... ignorant of her surroundings. As if she did not see them. My eyes followed her dark hair, slowly closing eyelids - she was a poor soul. Possibly younger than me. How could anyone younger than me suffer like this? It's not fair.

I shook my head furiously. This poor, poor woman.

Seeing she'd lost interest in me, or perhaps (probably, of course, Kami) she was simply too tired to pay attention to me, I exited the room as swiftly as I entered. Still I couldn't shake the feeling there was something odd about her. Something out of place.

Maybe it'd been the fact she was in the guest room. Probably that, because... she felt like nothing more than a visitor. She felt... like an acquaintance of Kuchiki-sama's, but that was of course impossible... she was his wife. He'd married her and he loved her. And she loved...

My brow furrowed, but before I could actually admit to myself something was wrong with that sentence, my mind had already pushed it away as nonsense.

Nonsense. Nothing more.

"Mizuka-chan, have you met Hisana-sama yet?", asked Kiri one time, walking past me. We shared a room in the household's small wing - nothing other than two beds, a desk and a window, but still more than I'd ever owned.

Nod.

"And?", she gave me an expectant glance.

My lips pulled into a kind, but slightly patronizing smile. Kiri rolled her eyes.

"Why do I ask, you like everyone. But... you know...", she looked away suddenly, surprising me. "I'm... there's this rumour going round."

My brows furrowed.

"Rumour that, well... Hisana-sama... oh, what am I doing.", she suddenly shook her head. "Forget it. I'm babblin' nonsense."

Nonsense. Yes, I knew what she meant.

There was no big 'introduction'. The first time I met Kuchiki-sama was simple and momentary and to be honest left me kind of appalled. He'd passed me in a corridor, headed for Hisana-sama's quarters with his lips pursed in worry and his fists clenched. He didn't even notice me, like I was air. _Excuse you_, I thought after him, raising my eyebrows.

Much to my joy, I passed him a few times more in the next week. And the next. Though I had felt the royal aura of Hisana-sama, it was nothing compared to the wavelength Byakuya (yes, I'd started calling him that in my thoughts, nobody would find out anyway) gave off. His very presence made people pull their feet together and stand up straight.

His face, so trained, in his desperation to make it into a mask. His chin, raised lightly. His grey eyes... shimmering with worry.

To my own bitter surprise, I realised soon that Kuchiki-sama... Byakuya... was taking Hisana's illness a lot worse than she was.

I began observing. Slowly.

I carried tea around, I washed the dishes, I smiled so much my face hurt, behind that hiding my mixed irritation and curiosity. There were more people working at the mansion than you'd think - after all, no one ever saw them, except for other servants - and they weren't half as stuck-up as your Mizuka-sama, which was surprising. Weren't they meant to be... like, royal servants? Huh, my mistake. The likeable thing about them, though, was the politeness (minus Kiri). I never got a bad word.  
The reason Kiri was the way she was, as I'd found out, was that Hana had adopted her and given her most of the house responsibilities. One of those was me. Kiri could order me about freely, in consequence – aaand that explained why she never treated the others that way. Ugh.

"Check if Hisana-sama needs something."

Three minutes later I was back with a shake of my head to offer.

"Check if Hisana-sama is feeling worse."

Moments after I returned, I told Kiri a meal was needed, waited for the meal, and took it up to Hisana-sama's room. The stairs seemed longer every time, and my clothes were getting hot.

"Mizuka-chan, Kuchiki-sama will come see you later today. Remember to wash up."

Keeping her words in mind, like I always did, I went about my orders. You have to work for your pay, and complaining didn't go through my head; although I usually provided a mean commentary for myself when faced with something that didn't please me. If I don't talk to myself, who _will_, I mused, putting a wet piece of cloth into a glass and turning it around a few times to clean it out.

With my mentality, survival was almost easy. Looking back on Rukongai, it struck me that I'd had it good. Of course, I didn't sleep in a bed of silk sheets, but then again I was almost always offered a bed for a night. If I took long-term work at an inn or a place of that sort, I would also have a free meal. Food was nice. It's impossible for a soul to starve, of course, and I had no real spiritual power to speak of, but that didn't change the fact I liked eating.

Maybe that was why I was the proud beggar back in the day. I was given more than others. I could freely look down on people, because... because I was almost safe.  
It probably wasn't right. I shook my head. One thing I knew - I made an excellent servant. I certainly wouldn't spill milk like Kiri.

"Pardon."

Oh dear, was it time already? No good, I wasn't done. I raised a finger, gesturing Kuchiki Byakuya to hang in there for a moment.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw that he was startled. Irritation mixed with agitation. He looked restless; after about a minute, I heard him sit down with a rustle of clothing. Patient, was he? Interesting.

Well, I perfectly knew I shouldn't be keeping him waiting, but I had a job to do. I didn't like leaving things unfinished.

"Mizuka-san?"

His voice sounded young. I didn't know what I had expected - Kami knows, I'd seen his face enough times to guess - but it came a surprise. Momentary. I focused on the fork.

"Are you hard of hearing, girl?"

Dear, only ten minutes in, and he was already so upset. Before I lost my job, I put the fork away and finally turned to face him. He was sitting with his knees together, back rested on the wall, but the posture se ed stiff. He was dressed in a beautiful haori, and in his long, black hair I immediately noticed kenseikan. This meant he'd only come home.

Remembering his question, I shook my head and put on a polite, distanced smile. Then I sunk into a low bow.

This, Byakuya apparently decided to answer. He too got to his feet (shame flashed across his face and I realised he was feeling guilty for sitting down) and lowered his head in a greeting. I peeked at him as he did so, and immediately got interested in the odd way his hair was combed in the back.

Ooops, too much staring. He was upright again.

"I was earlier informed of your...", he skipped a beat, "disability, Mizuka."

Hmph, so no -san for me anymore? Very well. No honorific at all was better than -chan. It was cuteish, but not particularly enjoyable, and besides - made me feel below those who spoke to me. I did not like feeling that way.

As a reply to his words, I placed a hand over my throat and my lips quirked in amusement.

His brows drew closer together until a small wrinkle formed between them. He didn't understand me and it bothered him. Dear, I should have acted a little more like Mizuka-chan would. Not Mizuka-sama.

"It was my intention to ask you 'yes' and 'no' questions to make communication easier. Is that fine by you?", he continued hesitantly. Taking a moment to wipe my hands, I nodded.

Byakuya's features relaxed.

"Are you satisfied with working here?"

Nod.

"Do Hana-san and the other servants treat you accordingly?"

Nod. Followed by a soundless laugh that I couldn't help. He was so serious! It may sound like I'm being condescending, and I am a bit, but... I couldn't help it.  
Something about Byakuya's eyes made them convey the impression he could see through any mask. Freed from my Mizuka-chan manners by those strange eyes, my hands raised themselves and began speaking a language I hadn't used in decades.

_Accordingly? Yes, they do! Kiri is a bit rough sometimes, but I'm perfectly aware she's a good person. She's only a bitch on the outside, you might say._

I blinked in shock, realising that I'd let my 'inner commentary' cease to be 'inner'. For a few terrible moments, I thought he'd understood - but the bewilderment on his face quickly proved me wrong. Byakuya didn't have a clue when it came to signing. And thank Kami for that.

"My apologies- I", he blinked as well, composing himself, "I'm afraid I have no knowledge of this language. I deeply apologize..."

The way- the way he was completely lost was precious. I quickly shook my head and hands, a sorry look on my face - or so I hoped, because it was fairly imaginable that my expression gave away how taken I was.

"Is... writing perhaps among your abilities?", he questioned with a flicker or curiosity.

My turn to look repentant. Byakuya nodded with understanding, like Kiri before him, quickly getting the hang of my facial expressions.

He said a few more things that day and went to Hisana's quarters, making me think.

And once more, I pushed those thoughts away as simple nonsense.

Worn out and with my eyelids so sticky I had to hold them open, I walked... crawled... something between those two means of transportation... into my bed. Kiri was already sound asleep in hers, with her back to me. Though a large part of me was glad to see her resting, I was no saint - a small, tiny prick of jealousy hit my gut.

Tiny. Yeah.

It didn't last more than two minutes. I moved forward, and suddenly felt the edge of a plate under my hand. Kiri had left me mocchi from today's dessert. I thought they'd all been taken for Byakuya and Hisana, but...

My heart shrunk. Or maybe grew? Anyway, it hurt. I almost burst into tears. Almost.

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_AN: Yeah... young Byakuya is... whooooa. Heart eyes. If you read up to here, you are a veteran.  
(Of course, all rights to Kubo. Fanfiction is written purely for fun, not money.)_


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: Chapter 2

_AN: Ha, chapter one was crappy. Like author, like story...?_

It was now fairly understandable to me, what the 'nonsense' I couldn't get out of my thoughts was. The way Byakuya moved. The way he walked. Hisana took a step sideways; his body shifted to match her, like some sort of guard dog. Though comparing him to that is an insult - and Kuchiki-sama had a lot more grace to him than a dog, I must add - it's a fitting description, if I do say so myself. He also displayed that cold, detached sort of aura, and I knew what it meant; aristocracy, and of the highest sort.

I suppose that's how most servants and all of his co-workers in the Seireitei viewed him, it probably didn't even occur to them that the truth was much different. I observed Byakuya - I saw the uncertainty inside of him, eating through his mask like sickness. Like the sickness that pulled Hisana-sama from this world, bit by bit.

She was fond of me. She was fond of practically everyone, and as you might recall, on my first meeting with her I was rather starstuck. A few months had passed since then and I soon came to the realisation; Hisana was fond of everyone equally.

She didn't favour me over the others, though I got that impression at first. Her kind smiles, doe eyes (hm, almost sounds like I'm describing myself) - all this made me see her as so wonderful and gentle, for me. Yes, she was - however seeing her interact with the others was exactly the same. By others I don't mean just the servants. I also mean Kuchiki Byakuya himself. Her lord and husband - I swear, in the times I listened in on their conversations, as I mentioned I would, I never heard her call her anything but 'Byakuya-sama'. 'Byakuya-sama is so good to me', straight to his face.

In my life, my encounters with men were limited, since I focused on my profession more than on anything else, and I usually only worked for them, so I can't say I'm an expert - but there was no intimacy between Hisana-sama and Byakuya.

It dawned on me; she didn't love him, never loved him, liked him a lot of course, but never truly felt anything deeper for that man. That poor, poor man.

In my pride I quickly understood how much more I had than him. That in turn only enforced my somewhat arrogant behaviour, and being around him in itself made it worse. He was irritated when he first noticed. He sent me unwelcoming glares when I poured him tea.

Because in all truth, the man was a poor, adorable, constantly perplexed. I saw that.

Byakuya drank vanilla tea. Not because he liked it. Through experimenting with his snacks, I learned he disliked all things sweet in taste. He drank it because Hisana drank it; and sometimes, on the days he spent alone in his dimly-lit study, he'd just have the tea stand there on his desk for scent alone.

I pitied him. He saw it in my eyes and he hated it. He hated my condescending attitude, which worsened, as I've said; and in the first month of my work, there'd been a few instances on which I thought he'd tell me to leave. He never did. Why was a little unclear, but, hypocritical as it may seem, I didn't investigate in any way. Not that I had many ways. I just really didn't want to actually be fired, so I didn't push it.

Time was what forced him to get used to me. It took a year for him to finally accept me, as I was - and in the duration of that year, twelve months (in case you didn't know), I secretly began learning how to write.

You see, I'm not as mighty as I make it seem. The truth is, what he said to me that day... that question, if I could write, bugged me to no end.

I began subtly. No one knew sign language, so I needed to use the 'other' sign language - the one that usually involves drawing on things and gesturing frantically, rather than using the neat, graceful way of communication which I originally, in my younger years, used.

"What the hell do you mean?", Kiri stared at me with doubt in her round eyes, her face tanner and with more freckles than I remembered. The look she was giving me made me feel like a complete idiot - which I hated, to be frank - but I continued to try, as I knew she was fond of me.

Many people were fond of me.

I tried once again, raising one hand and making scribbling gestures on it with the other. Then, I gestured at her, and forced the question into my eyes.

"You're asking if I can... draw?"

I used the universal gesture for so/so. Kiri let out a sigh, tired after a long day's work, and began to turn around - I stopped her in time, grabbing her by the shoulders. I could feel the muscles under her skin. Compared to her I was a weakling; and I wasn't that skinny or fragile. Kiri was simply that king of girl - sturdy, like the daughter of a farmer. When she dressed in the dusty pink kimono to serve Byakuya and Hisana-sama at dinner, I often had to hold back a silent laugh. She looked out of place at those times, and when she'd return to our shared room, she'd almost rip it off and say something like: 'Kami, I hate this shitty piece of cloth! It'd serve better as napkin or something, damn it!'

Oops, got a little carried away in my storytelling. Kiri was now onto something.

"You mean writing, then? You're asking if I can write?"

A series of cheerful nods.

"Well, I'm sorry, Mizuka-chan... but Hana-san never taught me. She… sorta… knows, though, ask her? Just don't bother me anymore", she collapsed face-first into her mattress, which clearly signalled the conversation was finished. I left her in peace; it was late, and we both needed some rest.

As I lay peacefully, quietly, with my eyes fixed in the dark ceiling somewhere high above, I found an odd peace inside me. Kami, I was glad – I had a chance of learning how to write now. Though I tried denying it at first, my pity for Byakuya was slightly deeper than just that. I wanted to surprise him. I wanted him to maybe see… that I actually had nothing against him? Surely, by now he saw some kind of mean half-child in me, even though I'd grown. I didn't want him to dislike me. I simply wanted to show him all of my aspects.

Where was I even going with this? I sighed, rolling onto my side. First of all, this feeling I had for Kuchiki Byakuya-sama was (I told this myself) a mixture of admiration, compassion and maybe… the desperate need to be acknowledged? Where was this even coming from?

I pulled the cushion out from under my head. It was getting oddly hot.

I calmed my nerves. I was not some child, even if some thought that, and I was not going to be unprofessional. I took my duties very seriously, as Byakuya and the other servants had now found out on multiple occasions. This matter was going to remain inside me, waiting for better times.

"Hisana-sama is calling you", said Hana-san one day, close to a year after I had those thoughts for the first time. "She is in the garden."

In the garden. In the beautiful, beautiful Kuchiki garden. I walked through those beautiful walls of white flowers, pale as death itself, yet so mesmerising. Something in this charm… something reminded me of Byakuya. After all, he'd planned this place himself, so why shouldn't it? This place showed more of that more vulnerable, gentle side only his home saw. He might have been a merciless fighter on the outside, but home always brought out his true colours. It is like that with everyone, I suspect.

I dropped in a bow, greeting her.

"Oh, Mizuka."

She began coughing nastily, and though I had my doubts as to her person, I immediately ripped forward to hold her up. She was a small, delicate little thing. I could see how someone could love this innocence. Her kind eyes; full of mother-like love. Though it wasn't my place – ah, since when did I care – I immediately thought that perhaps Byakuya married her because of this. After all, it was common knowledge he'd never known a mother's hand.

"I'm alright, I'm alright", she said to me, gently moving my hands away. "I just wanted to ask Mizuka something."

I raised my eyebrows questioningly.

"Kiri was tending to me the other evening, and she mentioned something about Mizuka taking writing classes with Hana-san.", she continued. I responded with a brief nod, averting my eyes. Lying should be easy in my situation – how hard is it to fake a nod or a shake of the head? – and it usually was, but how could I look her in the eyes and confirm I'd been doing something solely for her husband? Because of her husband?

Love aside (for she did not love him; this much I'd figured out and was going to stick by) it didn't feel right. Perhaps, had it been another wife, and another husband, I wouldn't have cared. Hisana-sama, however, was a good, ill woman that life had treated unfairly. How could I not feel guilt, knowing I was beginning to do things… just because of him, cursed Kuchiki Byakuya?

I'd also noticed she'd dropped the –chan. I was pleased. It was plausible she'd understood I was her age, if not slightly older, despite my appearance. Speaking of which, Kiri still called me that… but that was Kiri. How could I ever get upset over that?

"Why did Mizuka decide on this? If Mizuka would like to tell me, of course.", she leaned forward slightly. "Long ago?"

I nodded, gaze fixed in the ground.

"Did Kiri suggest it?"

Shake.

"Then maybe my Byakuya-sama?"

Her Byakuya-sama. Her– quickly stopped myself. I wasn't angry. I wasn't supposed to be angry. Maybe I'd been wrong, and she did love him, just…

Having completely lost my ground, my thoughts scattered. I forgot to nod – but she'd figured it out herself, already. I saw understanding in her huge, violet eyes.

"I see. Well, from what I know, Hana-san's skills are sadly not on a… remarkably… high level", she desperately tried to sound polite. I didn't see what she was getting at. "So… Mizuka, I could be a teacher. It's the least I could do to repay for all the nice things Mizuka has done for me."

My lips fell open. Proud or not – in that moment, she was an angel. I realised, the negative feelings that had begun growing in my stomach were wrong.

My knees bent under me and I sat on the ground, bowing in the most respectful way possible, with my hands rested on my thighs and my forehead almost touching the grass. Hisana-sama. She saw how much I wanted to write – even if she didn't realise I only wanted it because… - and she was going to help me.

No, this woman would have never married a man she didn't love. She wouldn't have done that to anyone.

"It appears the girl has some manners to speak of."

Shocked out of my skin my the sudden hearing of Kuchiki-sama's deep voice, I scrambled to my feet and faced him. For a few horrible moments, all I could do was stand there, face expression still frozen in that odd place between thankfulness and disbelief, and then finally I managed to channel it into an eruption of joy. I laughed soundlessly, looking him right in the eyes, pride successfully back.

"She's only glad because I offered to teach her how to write", Hisana spoke softly.

Byakuya's eyes widened ever so slightly, lips parted a millimetre. He looked at me, quite dumfounded if I say so myself, and it would have been an amusing view. Actually, it was. My smile soon became that of a person who inwardly mocks reality, and Byakuya was now unsettled.

I could see, same way others could see into my eyes, that he remembered that question he asked me back then. He knew perfectly well it was my reason to pursue this.

Him. It was because of him.

"She's a golden helper, Byakuya-sama.", Hisana said, looking up, into his eyes. "Byakuya-sama surely sees how much."

Now there was a dubious smile pulling at his lips, as he glanced between me and her. He was surely analysing just why I was so arrogant towards him… and so meek when with Hisana-sama.

Maybe it was because I couldn't toy with her like I did with Byakuya. Did I just say 'toy'? Oh, Kami. I pitied him, yes, but he wasn't going to die because of an unrequited love. Hisana-sama's illness was killing her, physically. I could not…

I was a maid once. A maid in a merchant's home. The merchant was a round, happy man who loved moving coins about in his hand. He had a knack for finances, quite obviously, and made a good business – that's why he wanted a maid. He had the money, you see, and every 'good' house needs a maid. He had no woman in the house – the wife had run away long before my arrival there, with some hunter perhaps. That I never found out, or maybe simply couldn't remember. Either way, the merchant had a young son. A beautiful boy; with pretty, yellow locks and green eyes.

Byakuya was still looking at me in his shock. He didn't let it show, of course, but I'd been watching him for so long now. I knew. And I also knew he wouldn't understand why I had this weak spot. Why…

The beautiful boy was terribly sick. It was a disease incurable; I knew that, yet in the two years I spent at that merchant's home, I did all in my power to keep him alive. He was such a smart, lively little brat. And not 'lively' in the meaning of a boy that runs around and jumps and does all those things little boys do. He had lively eyes and a huge imagination. He lived through adventures where he fought as a Shinigami; and he told me those stories sometimes, quite oddly. Shouldn't it be the maid to tell the children stories? But how could I? How could I, when…

"Mizuka?"

I blinked, surprised by his sudden call. I stood to attention, realising I'd let myself get lost in thought. Unsightly. Unprofessional.

"You seemed… in a far-away place, just a moment ago", Byakuya spoke, brows knotted on his forehead. Hisana was looking at me as well.

"I wish Mizuka could tell us what she's thinking."

Soon I will, I blurted out with my hands, before I could help it. Byakuya glanced at the gestures, as if concentrating for a second, then simply shook his head and turned on his heels. Before he left, however, I heard him quietly say:

"I as well."

Time passed quickly after that. A year, followed by another one; filled with Kiri's bright eyes, Hisana-sama's peaceful lessons and Byakuya's...

His power, his uncertainty, all the contrasts I saw in him. Head of the Kuchiki clan, and somewhere, deep within him, the shadow of a boy he once must have been. A boy without a mother, with a huge responsibility hanging over him. In that time I didn't yet realise how much Byakuya would come to change; I thought him cold, but there were still moments when he smiled.

He smiled at Hisana, of course. I brought them their vanilla tea and I listened, and I watched; I watched his eyes trace her face, her hands, delicate and white like those flowers from the garden be had made. Had it been a gift to her, maybe? That I couldn't know. There was no way for me to simply walk up to Byakuya and demand a conversation via pieces of paper.

What I hadn't taken into consideration, however, was that he would come to me.

I was just preparing a shopping list and a basket to take to the market, leaning over the kitchen table in a simple white dress, when his quiet footsteps echoed in the hallway. I straightened up and there he was - glancing to the sides like some sort of very prissy, very proud, cornered animal. He then (finally) turned to me.

"Do you have a few minutes to talk to me, Mizuka?", he asked in a smooth voice, with words he always had prepared. When he spoke, I ever-so-often go the impression he was reading out of a notebook.

I raised two fingers and smiled over my shoulder, then put a napkin in the basket and moved it about until it sat nicely. There. Aesthetically pleasing.

"It was... my intention to inquire... as to the progression of your education."

Well, that was needlessly complicated, but I'd gotten used to it over more than two years. I smiled at him and nodded quite happily, as a bunny would, then grabbed my basket and walked out. Duty called! However, Kuchiki Byakuya-sama followed. In an awkwardly rushed manner, because let me tell you, I do not waste time when shopping. He was soon back to my side, looking flustered, but still with the intention of talking to me.

"As I have mentioned on multiple occasions, I am truly curious as to what hides behind that smirk you wear on your face.", he said in a tone that suggested slight discomfort. "For a servant, I find you quite interesting."

For a servant. I snorted. Kuchiki Byakuya, that was a graceless faux pas. Had he not noticed how proud I am? And this being a rhetorical question. He must have noticed.

"I... apologize. That was not meant to sound that way. How tactless of me."

This was the first and last time I heard Byakuya speak normally. It surprised me right out of my grumpiness, and I was staring at him with o-shaped lips once more, basket over my arm and that being the only reason why I didn't drop it. He blinked, equally surprised, then shook his head. We had now come to the city, and Byakuya was recieving curious glances - I, in turn, wished deeply that I could start humming something.

Oh the satisfaction of seeing him out of his enviroment, so helpless. To someone unaccustomed to the way his facial expressions worked, it would have passed unnoticed - but I could read him. And it was glorious.

"From what Hisana has been telling me, I take you are an exemplary student."

I nodded.

"Quite so that you have mastered many kanji, and hiragana?"

I peeked at him, and - a little shyly, I suppose - shook my head. Byakuya turned his head to look at me. It seemed as if he wasn't used to looking at the person he was talking to, which was problematic in my case - he needed his eyes fixed on me at all times if he wanted to understand anything out of what I was meaning. Sure, maybe people would talk if they saw Kuchiki-taichou making his jolly way through the market with a woman at his side, and without taking his eyes off said woman at that, but nobody forced him to come along. Indeed, I spotted even more curious glances in his direction - but now, I needed to buy tomatoes.

"Katakana then, perhaps?", he inquired. Hisana must have explained to him that conversations with me were basically guessing my thoughts. That's why I had so little friends. Also, my personality. Of course, they were all fond of me, but it was a fondness unaccompanied by actual feeling. They did not like me. It was just Mizuka, the mute girl.

Nodding at Byakuya, I proceeded to show the keeper of the stand with fresh vegetables what I needed. He gave Byakuya a shocked stare, stood there for a few moments, bowed, and then prepared the groceries that I'd asked for. Meanwhile, Byakuya took a look around. It was Sunday, making the market a busy place, with more than one thief scurrying around in the crowd; I knew for sure not one of those thieves could get to him, but my hand rested on my own pouch. The place was also alive with scents and colours - grains, different, beautifully red spices, cloth on sale. Fresh fruit. Somewhere in the background - bad fish, but well, that was always sort of there. Byakuya took this all in, and though his face showed no emotion, he was interested. I was glad.

I paid and took my basket. We continued further into the crowd.

"This place is... full of life.", he complimented.

Quickly, it struck me that he must see the mansion as something different than the servants. He really didn't have contact with all these wonderful places, like me. His home was filled with death. Lurking in the shadows, waiting to take away the one woman he loved. Once more, I felt pity rising up in my heart and making it squeeze shut.

I touched his shoulder to get his attention (he'd been looking around a bit too much, and I needed to signal something), and he shivered, surprised. Though at first he seemed almost appalled - well, I'd literally just touched a taichou's haori, Kami - he quickly remembered I couldn't do it differently. Sorry, I thought at him, deal with it.

Then, I proceeded to show him, using various gestures, that we should go to the perfume stand.

I was hit by a wave of smells - so beautiful, all at once, they made me swoon. Byakuya wrinkled his nose like the fussy princess he was.

I soundlessly laughed at him, but he (thankfully) didn't notice. At least I thought so. Even if he did, he did not scold me, or even look at me unkindly. With a new kind of patience, he let me sniff all the bottles. This was something for myself, really, and a... well, not a very honourable thing to do. The thing was, Hisana-sama always smelt of vanilla. She smelt so beautifully, like home, like family, and I wanted a scent for myself as well.

It had nothing to do with Byakuya... it didn't.

Pointing to the one I wanted, I reached for my wallet, but - before I knew it - Byakuya had paid for me. With eyes undoubtedly the size of plates, I looked at him, to which he offered a tiny twitch of the corners of his lips.

It was a warm, friendly gesture. I understood, in that moment, I wasn't just an intriguing annoyance to him. I was a companion.

_AN: Hopefully this turned out better than the last one... sigh. Please leave me a review and let me know what you liked and what you disliked. You'll only improve the story by doing so!_

_thank you dearly for reading, and see you soon._


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3: Chapter 3

I was walking quickly towards Hana-san's room.

It'd only been a few days since I went shopping (and Byakuya had accompanied me), so I didn't understand why that other girl, named Nika or something of the sort, had asked me to go visit the elderly woman. After all, the only time she ever called me was to give me orders regarding those very shopping escapades – generally, all the other messages were delivered to me through Kiri.

Bowing by the entrance to her quarters, I put on a gentle smile to soothe her in case she was angry with me for something.

The view before me was surprising – Hana-san, the strong, sturdy woman I met those few years ago, was in a bed. Her face was a little paler than usual.

"Mizuka-chan. You've grown again", she said, surprising me even more. She wasn't the type of person – as you might remember – to babble nonsense about personal things.

Either way, I decided a polite nod was sufficient a reply.

"How's Hisana-sama?", she then asked.

I quickly made calming gestures, but allowed the expression of worry to remain on my face. After all, the lady was dying, there was no doubt in that. And she was going to die sooner or later, that was a fact.

Why all these people – including Byakuya – tried forcing themselves into believing it wasn't so, was a mystery to me.

"I supposed so. Well, please take good care of her, Mizuka-chan"

Nod.

"I know it may seem odd for me to be saying things like this, but I haven't been feeling like myself lately, so it's of no matter", she spoke, then coughed quietly, not enough to worry me. "I'll be back on my feet in no time."

Hesitantly, I walked over to her bedside and sat down in the chair that stood there. She asked me to sit.

"Now, remember, the market is going to be closed, so you have to go shopping tomorrow. Buy tomatoes and fresh fish, you can try ordering from some sweets for that little pest that runs around here now and then…"

Oh, so it had indeed been shopping. Alright then...

Her tone calmed me; the strength was back in her voice, and the steely edge had returned as well. Hana-san was one of those people that make you feel secure. Like you have a job to do, a job you can do, making you useful, therefore important. I suppose that was her charm. She made everyone feel like they were a part of the household, not just hired servants, like they formed a whole.

It's way over the top to say they were like my family. But over months and months of silently watching them, laughing with them, and being around them – around Hana-san, Kiri, all that lost – I felt at home.

Marriages falling apart are touchy matters. Kiri had informed me of this; as soon as I showed her that perfume Kuchiki-sama had bought for me, she started shaking her head and backing away.

"Not good, Mizuka-chan. Not at all", she said to me, looking angry and worried. "You can't go doin' this to Kuchiki-sama. Or Hisana-sama. The lady is dying. How evil would it be if ya took away the only person that loved her?"

The thought made me tremble. Hisana-sama might have been wrong to marry him, but still, I… she was a kind person. She really was, I assured myself.

However, as if to put me at ease, Byakuya showed no romantic interest in me. He didn't ogle me, he did none of those things Kiri thought he did – and thank Kami, because I'd been worried that what I felt, how I felt for him would somehow affect him. But he didn't seem to notice. His eyes were on Hisana, and Hisana only, loving her, caring for her. I have never seen someone so cold be this affectionate with just one person in the whole world.

"Mizuka."

I paused, looking down into the tea I was holding out to him. Kami knows I'd been getting awkward around him, as if to push myself even deeper into the shit that was loving Kuchiki Byakuya-sama.

Yes, I loved him. I wasn't completely sure how I loved him yet – platonically, romantically or whatever different ways there are – but definitely, I loved him, the person he was. It might sound weird to someone who can actually converse with people and make friends in a way different than just staying with someone, like I had done with Kiri. Perhaps, if I'd had a proper throat, I would have let him get to know me – I like talking, by that I mean signing – but he didn't understand that, and my knowledge of the Japanese alphabets was still, well, limited. Hisana was teaching me, sure, but month passed after month and I was still having issues. It was the kanji that bothered me the most; I couldn't remember them properly. It made me anxious. Because, in truth, I wanted to talk to others somehow.

"Mizuka, are you listening to me?"

I finally glanced up at him, bowing lower to pass the sitting man the cup. It gave off the delicate smell of vanilla, as always.

He relaxed a little, noticing I'd looked into his face.

"You seem unsettled. Is everything… in order?", he asked, with about as much concern on his face as a rock has, but his voice gave him away.

Indeed, I'd become melancholy. Brightening up, I allowed myself a cheeky grin and rolled my eyes at him.

Byakuya blinked and turned his head away.

"Tch. Unmannered as always."

I let out a soundless laugh, looking down at him sitting on the floor. He'd been writing; he always wrote beautifully, and I'd noticed he loved calligraphy even before he started randomly conveying those small, half-serious fragments of conversation with me. He sometimes talked about it. I think it's because he sometimes forgot I was even there; it just spouted out of him, like feelings do at times.

"How have your writing classes been?", he then asked.

I proceeded to smile and form a heart with my hands. He blinked.

"Good, I take. I'm glad to hear it.", he said, to which I laughed again; I'd really cheered up, dear. He caught out his own mistake after a second and opened his mouth to apologise, but I just waved him off. He was way too polite. Kiri played games with me over that disability of mine all the time; when I looked at her with a begging expression when she baked, she just smirked and said things like 'What? Are you saying you'd like some? Well I can't heaaar you…", to mess with me.

Kiri wasn't the nicest of people, but I liked her a lot.

"Please, wait a moment…", he seemed to realise something, and got up. "There was something in your eyes only a moment ago. Did you lie about the classes?"

Damn.

Wow, the man had spotted a lie in a mute girl's eyes.

It only made my guilty look worse, and to boot, I's started playing with my hands.

"Mizuka.", his look intensified, "I _will_ ask Hisana."

Ha, now my eyes were alive with what I hoped he wouldn't interpret as mockery. Because it was. Thankfully, he either didn't notice, or didn't care, or maybe agreed with me – he soon corrected himself, anyway.

"But I suppose she would only assure me of your talents, am I wrong?", he spoke so clearly, beautifully, and at the same time there was that odd cold edge to his words. It didn't feel like he meant it to be there, but it got worse every year.

I gave a shrug, forgetting that for the moment. He'd figured it out – Hisana couldn't criticize a soul, even if it meant lying. Again, it was nice of her, but personally I find that personality trait a bit troublesome. You can't trust people who tell you what you want to hear.

"Which are… close to non-existent, yes?"

Opening my mouth and raising my eyebrows to display how appalled I was, I soon agreed with him sorrowfully. Byakuya sighed quietly, I almost missed it, and fixed his eyes somewhere in the distance.

"Then I suppose I have no choice."

I didn't get to find out what that meant, because I couldn't ask, and he was too deep in thought to nudge him or something. I considered getting a stick to prod him with when he zoned out like that, damn. It was particularly annoying for me, since I can't just clear my throat to get his attention. If I try using my throat, nasty sounds come out, and I can't control them at all.

Deciding Byakuya wasn't going to say anything else, I left, with a small wave on my way out. He didn't answer it, but there was a shadow of a smile on his face.

My next destination was (oh, huzzah) the kitchen. Kiri was there, on her knees and wiping flour off of the tiles. I quickly put on apron and got down to help her.

"Stupid me, you know.", she said, and for the first time I noticed a white streak had appeared in her hair. As much as it scared me (I'd been aging slower than her, I'd noticed that, but not this slowly) I immediately tried to forget it. Because you should always run from your fears. Totally. "I got it everywhere."

I gently patted her shoulder and dipped the cloth I'd grabbed in her bucket of water. Then, I gathered some of the flour with it and found it'd come of easier than expected.

"How's Kuchiki-sama? Good?", she asked me, and out of routine looked up to see my reaction, but she didn't stop her work. We'd established this method of conversation long ago.

I gave a nod.

"Did you go see Hisana-sama too? No? Just him? Uh…", she sighed deeply. "Remember what I told you, Mizuka-chan, alright? Please don't fuck this up."

She slowly got up, and reached for the cup of water she'd probably prepared for herself earlier – as her hand moved towards it, she twitched suddenly and knocked the cup off the table. It fell to the floor and shattered, spilling its content and sticking the flour to the ground. I gave a sigh, knowing she'd just doubled our work, not expecting – at all – what came next.

Kiri, the strong, loud-mouthed woman I'd known for years, fell back to her knees and started sobbing.

For a moment, I stood dumfounded.

"Sorry…", she managed between rapid breaths, which only made her cry harder. "I'm sorry, I'll clean it all up in a second…"

I was shocked now; I'd never seen Kiri snap like this. She was so much like Hana-san, too, so-

I patched the elements together, and half-guessed: it'd been exactly that. My hint of worry before had been a good instinct. Something was wrong. I sat down next to her and put my arms around her broad shoulders. She was so big, so muscular, and seeing her weep like a baby felt incredibly unnatural.

"Hana-san's going to die.", she managed finally, breathing more steadily. "First Hisana-sama, now Hana-san…"

My only way of comforting her was to hug her tighter and stroke her short, blonde hair. She'd cut it recently, making that white streak I hadn't noticed really visible.

What curse was this? Wherever I went, that gold-haired boy followed me, and sickness took one after another…

"Mizuka… what am I gonna do? Mizuka…", Kiri grabbed my hands.

"Is everything alright?"

I almost jumped, noticing Hisana-sama standing in the doorway. My first instinct was to get to my feet and take her to her room, but Kiri was holding on to me – and I couldn't let her go. Hisana leaned against the frame, coughing lightly into her fist.

"Is Kiri okay?", she asked, looking more worried than ever, and she usually looked worried. "Kiri?"

I shook my head, but my friend had pulled herself together and was now getting up. I did so as well, following her example when she bowed.

"Please don't bother yourself, Hisana-sama. You oughtn't be out of bed", Kiri said and sniffed, still in her bow. "Allow me to take you upstairs, I can carry you."

Byakuya, who had been passing by when he saw us all through the open door, froze and almost ran up to her. He immediately put his arm around her shoulders, acting instinctively – but she didn't cling to him as I had thought she would.

"Hisana, you're ill. It was very reckless of you.", he scolded, softly, so politely it didn't fit the words leaving his mouth.

He didn't even look at Kiri, which almost angered me, because- well, it damn well angered me. She was the one deserving attention, because- because Kiri was so strong, and so smart and caring, and Hisana-sama…

I stopped myself. It wasn't Hisana-sama's fault that Kiri was crying. It wasn't her fault Hana-san was ill. Hisana-sama was innocent, and I wasn't supposed to have any grudges against her. Additionally, she'd been teaching me how to write, something I had wanted to badly! She offered it herself, so why, why did I resent her so much in that moment?

I watched Byakuya lift her up gently, holding her with both arms like he was shielding her from the world. Just as I thought he'd leave without even seeing the rest of the room – just as I was about to get angry with him too –

He looked at me out of the corner of his eye and I realised he had seen us. That he had cared. And that later on, he'd come to talk to me.

I focused on Kiri again, and regretting I couldn't get her attention with my voice, touched her shoulder. She grabbed onto my hand and curled in on herself like a dying leaf, hiding her head between her shoulders. It made her look smaller, almost shorter than me. Desperate to get her to understand what I was saying - and I couldn't get her to look me in the eyes - I knelt on the ground, and in the disgusting mixture of flour and water, I wrote the word for 'better'. It wasn't a question, it was a promise.

Kiri was one of those people who can stay brave and vigorous in most situations, but they have one, huge weak spot that can break them instantly. Come to think of it, I was a lot like her myself, only more durable. After all, I'd lived through the death of a loved one before, a child, at that. I also knew Kiri could pull herself together eventually. This whole scenario, however, reminded me of one thing I feared. The day Hisana-sama would die.

What would happen? Maybe it was wrong to think of Byakuya when my closest friend was falling apart right beside me. Maybe it was the fact I'd already established Kiri would live through it. But Byakuya... I didn't really know. I couldn't guess if he'd even stay sane. Even if he cared for me a little bit, that feeling was nothing compared to how much he loved Hisana-sama. He loved her more than anything, and it started undermining what I had once established for myself: Love is only true when it's answered. Looking at Byakuya made me reconsider it, and made the pain of knowing I couldn't let my own affection show...

No, I wasn't important. Kiri was. I let her go and quickly gestured around the kitchen and to myself, in this way promising her I'd do the rest. She left and directed herself into the corridor where we and the rest of the servants lived.

"Hana-san's gon' die?"

I turned and saw the little boy there; that same little boy Kiri used to yell at. I sighed and patted his head.

"I dun wan' her to die. Are you gon' die?"

A rapid shake of my head. No. I can't die.

Byakuya came to see me late at night, as I was still putting away vegetables and unused rice. The kitchen still smelt of fire after I'd charred the bread, but it was beginning to fade away into the scent of wisteria. Wisteria. I'd finally learned the name of the flower my perfume was made from.

"I've been informed as to Hana-san's condition", he said in a delicate voice. "I'm truly sorry. She's become a friend of mine over the years. I believe I can understand your pain quite well."

I turned to face him and shook my head sadly. Yes, I was feeling blue. Slowly, step by step, the actual idea that Hana-san would be gone began creeping into my head. I imagined a week without her shopping lists which she repeated until I knew them by heart. I imagined making mocchi without the help of her skilful hands. And bit by bit I began to see, I wasn't ready to lose her.

"Is Kiri feeling better, perhaps?", he asked carefully, to which I replied with a small nod. "Good. She looked truly miserable. I recall...", he stopped, then shook his head and seemed to drown in his own thoughts. I walked over to him and reached for his hand. He flinched away at first, but gave it to me after a moment - I held onto his fingers, taking in a deep breath. For some reason, it was soothing. His aura was soothing. The way his eyes were calm and deep like two wells. "Mizuka."

Much to my surprise, he raised his other hand.

Please stay bold and cheerful as you are. You're the only one left, he signed, and I stared at his moving fingers like I was seeing them for the first time. And I was - I'd had no idea that he'd... that he'd learn...

"I've been noticing your problems with writing for a while now.", he said simply. "But that's not of import. I kindly ask that you try to comfort Kiri. She needs you."

I stood, still shocked and confused. The information was still fresh and alien in my mind; I hadn't seen anyone sign in so long. Under my depression bloomed some kind of odd, new kind of happiness. I calmed down. Like him.

_AN: Here, this is today's chapter. I'm trying to keep them around 3,000 words, so that's the usual deal. Please review and tell me what is wrong and what is right, what you liked and disliked. That's a rap, by the way. Point out mistakes! I know the previous chapters have a lot of them, and that's because I'm half-asleep and practically a zombie. I'll probably correct it all in the end, or maybe not. Who knows._

_Review!_


	4. Chapter 4

_AN: Holy hell, sorry for not updating. But now my finals are over, and I can safely type all I want! Here you go ;)_

* * *

It was a cloudy evening.

Two long months had passed, and a soul left our household.

_Byakuya, _I signed, entering his quarters. _It's time to go. _

He looked up at me. There were bags under his eyes; his skin was paler than usual, veins shining through in the places it was truly paper-thin. He was tired and saddened, showing more feeling than ever.

He gave a short nod and stood up, leaving his chair. I half-consciously noticed an ink stain on the table next to it, and a small bottle, which had been knocked over. Instinctively, I reached to clean it with my apron, but Byakuya held my hands back.

"Please, Mizuka, come with me.", he sighed, and I followed obediently.

Oh, it was seriously a bad day. After Hana passed away, Kiri threw my things out of our room, and locked herself inside. I attempted to hide that from Byakuya, scared he'd _force _her to leave, but he found out soon. And didn't do anything.

It's unfair to say that guy's cold. I mean, inside, he's just normal. It's not his fault that some people don't see that.

Souls vanished after they died. We had no body to burn or to mourn over; funerals in the Seireitei, if they were ever held, usually centred themselves around fire and prayer. _Hana – _flower; that's why thirty servants spent the whole day decorating the place of Hana's funeral with white rose petals.

In secret, I wondered whether Byakuya would choose to somehow make use of his bankai. It too consisted of petals, after all; wouldn't it make the ceremony all that much more beautiful?

At least, that's what I thought. I didn't ask him though.

I'd already pulled my limits with dropping his honorific. That was simply because it was faster to sign when dropping all polite forms; he seemed to understand that. He sometimes even replied using that language, when he didn't have the strength to talk, or when he was worried about somebody overhearing. I appreciated it. The moment he saw I couldn't write, he took it upon himself to find a different way to talk to me… and he did. If that wasn't amazing, then…

"Mizuka.", he sighed, noticing I'd drifted off. "Help Hisana come down here."

My eyes widened.

_Yes. _

I trotted upstairs, where I had to help Hisana change, and later change my own clothes. In the back of my head I noted to clean Byakuya's table later on.

I'd changed. Quite a lot. I paid attention to detail now, I took better care of others, I'd lost some of the pride I'd gained. I lost some of the respect I had for elite. Come to think of it, I lost more than I gained. Oh, damn that.

Bow. Hisana-sama weakly smiled at me and raised her arms above her head, letting me take her nightgown off. I quickly replaced it with a pitch-black kimono. It only highlighted the sick, greenish colour of her face.

"I will miss Hana-san.", she spoke quietly, as I tied the pillow and folded a bow. "She was a wise woman. Mizuka surely thinks so also?"

She glanced over her shoulder. I nodded.

"Mizuka is wise as well.", she added with a smile. "When I'm gone, please watch over my Byakuya-sama for me."

I locked my eyes in the floor, having finished her kimono. Hisana-sama patted my head and left slowly. I hovered behind her like a ghost, careful not to let her fall over or faint. This was really a terrible day.

I changed next. Black fitted me; or so I supposed, looking in the mirror. At the same time, I wondered if Kiri had changed as well. Probably yes. She might have broken down before, but I knew she'd pull herself together. Some people had that kind of strength.

I headed downstairs and outside to join with the rest of the gathered. It was a small group; about five servants, the small boy that was always running around, Kiri, Byakuya and Hisana-sama – separately stood a man of religion to guide our prayers. Or something.

"Mizuka", Kiri glanced at me. "I…"

I shook my head quickly and stood next to her. We walked.

* * *

Watching Kiri cry really wasn't something I'd wanted to do. Ever. But it was almost interesting to watch as Byakuya's turn came to speak; as master of the house, he was surely going to. And as I've mentioned, his bankai interested m…

"Mizuka", he said quietly, calling me to his side.

It was so sudden that I almost tripped, scurrying over. Byakuya slowly pulled Senbonzakura from his belt and handed it to me. I silently (duh.) took it and pressed it to my chest like I was clutching a baby. All self-confidence aside, I was now terrified of dropping that precious chunk of metal. Damn it. Damn it.

Byakuya, having left his weapon, took a step forwards.

"Hana, I now stand before you not as a Shinigami, and not as head of the Kuchiki family. I stand before you as a long-time friend and companion. I…"

_Mi-zu-ka._

I almost screamed.

The voice was _inside _of my head. I slowly, wearily looked down at the sword in my arms.

_Take care of the ninnyhammer, won't you? _

My hands were shaking. Do _not _drop Senbonzakura. Do _not _drop Senbonzakura, for heaven's sake.

_You're a nice little dumpling. When Hisana's brown bread, best you stick with him, eh? Oh, shit, incoming. _

I glanced up to see Byakuya expectantly holding his hand out. Damn it, was he done already? I quickly returned the sword, still shaken after it had spoken to me. Not it. _He. _

I felt terrible for letting my mind wander on such a sorrowful occasion, I really did. I was going to mourn Hana-san for many months, that was sure. I loved her dearly. I mean…

Byakuya was looking at me like he _knew_. His eyes were slightly wider than usual.

"Love.", Hisana quietly caught his attention, at the same time making me flinch. Byakuya turned around and joined her, as the religious fellow dipped his fingers in a flat bowl of water and gently put out the biggest candle. A think wisp of smoke danced up into the sky, pulling our gazes with it.

Kiri was crying. I was crying. Hisana was crying.

But I wouldn't be surprised if somebody told me Senbonzakura was solving crossword puzzles.

* * *

Kiri left.

She vanished from the household along with all her things; I just woke up, and found her gone. It was like she'd never been there in the first place. She'd done the dishes and mopped the kitchen floor until it gleamed; she'd washed and ironed my dusty pink kimono and put fresh flowerheads in a bowl of water on the kitchen table.

The sun shone beautifully, making me feel unfittingly warm. And it somehow took away my sadness.

I went about my usual duties.

"Mizuka-san… hey…"

The little boy was tugging at my clothes. I raised my eyebrows.

He had very large, dark eyes and strawberry red cheeks.

"Are you leavin' too?", he asked. "Kiri-san gone."

I shook my head with a smile. "_Please stay bold and cheerful as you are. You're the only one left."_

No, he wasn't right. He was a little blind when it came to seeing happiness, wasn't he? It was a bright day. A bright, beautiful day, with rays of sunlight lighting up this tiny kid's brown hair and eyelashes.

I ruffled those pretty, shiny locks.

"Mizuka-san, I don't really have a name.", he rumbled quietly, "but I'd like to, uh. I'd like to be something pretty like Hana."

I gave a small shrug, then re-focusing on mixing the rice in my bowl. It appeared I was the only one, apart from the boy, that had woken up. Too bad Kiri took her clock – I didn't know the time anymore.

Tears ran down my cheeks, but I quickly wiped that. Troublesome.

"Can I be Suisen?"

Daffodil. That was a pretty name.

I smiled brightly and nodded, stopping my work to answer the boy. Suisen.

"Mizuka-san…"

This time, I rolled my eyes. Was he ever going to let me finish making breakfast? Byakuya and Hisana both needed to be served…

"Mizuka-san, it's four in the morning."

I stopped, staring at the rice. Oh, God. No. I covered my face. And here I'd thought that… Here I thought that maybe I could somehow function with both Hana and Kiri gone. Ah, dumb. Shouldn't have even considered that.

My butt hit the floor and I put my arms around myself. Suisen grabbed onto my leg and pursed his lips, quite obviously _trying _to be unhappy… Hah, he was probably quite glad Kiri was gone, the little brat. After all, she'd mostly just yelled at him.

"Go to sleep.", he muttered. I wanted to ask him what _he _was doing up so early, but there was no way of doing that. He probably had no good reason anyway.

Still feeling more than down, I pulled myself to my room and tried to fall asleep, but quickly found out it was impossible. After about ten minutes of this, I went out – into the gardens, and prayed for a bit like a gullible little girl. It was such a pretty morning after all, and warm too, which was uncommon for such an early hour – I could use the fresh air.

First Kiri, then Hisana; they both dropped the cutesy honorific. I hadn't given it much thought, but my transformation from Mizuka-chan to Mizuka-_san_ somehow happened in the (now) three years I'd spent in the Kuchiki residence. Was it possible that my personality had started seeping through? Come to think of it, the other servants – not just Suisen – had started calling me Mizuka-_san_. Even Nika, the shopper girl, who was my age (at least visually). That was… almost curious.

To my shock, I suddenly noticed somebody in the garden with me. At first I thought it was Byakuya – cough, _hoped _– but the person was way too short and feminine-looking. I quickly recognized Hisana-sama; I scurried up to her, fearful.

She must've noticed my agitation.

"Mizuka, calm down", she pleaded with a smile, "I couldn't help but go out for a walk."

I bit down on my lip.

"Mizuka's so kind to me. Just like Byakuya-sama, Mizuka…", she closed her eyes for a moment. I felt a little guilty, after all, how many times had I gotten pointlessly angry at this woman before? How many times had I _blamed _her, when it clearly wasn't her fault? And kami, how many times had I accused her of not loving Byakuya?

Oh, damn it. I'd done so much wrong. I'd had so many thoughts that were _wrong_.

Thankfully, she didn't seem to notice any of my emotions at the time; she was staring somewhere into a faraway point, deep in her own self.

"Could I tell Mizuka something?", she asked quietly.

I nodded at once.

"I've done some terrible things."

The _hell _was that supposed to mean? I waited anxiously, brow furrowed.

"Mizuka protects others and looks after them. I even asked… even asked that she protect my Byakuya-sama", she looked at me for a second, then lost focus again, "I cannot do such a thing."

She _knew _I had no way of comforting her. I could only hug people and hold hands, but I wouldn't do that with her, surely, come on. She wasn't like Kiri. She was elite, high-born, and wealthy, and I was nothing more than a servant. A very stuck-up servant, but still, I knew my place!

Well… I'd never really paid attention to that when I touched or talked to Byakuya though…

Eh, focus on Hisana-sama's monologue. Sh.

"I was born in the Rukongai."

I winced. What? What? _What_?

She smiled politely, closing her eyes.

"It's true. That's where Byakuya-sama found me, I thought Mizuka should know…", she continued, fully turning to face me. "I was on the verge of death when he appeared, like an angel. He was a little rough around the edges at the time… a little different than the Byakuya-sama of today"

Byakuya? Rough around the edges?

I literally wanted to kneel and listen to her forever, as long as she told me more about "rough around the edges" Byakuya.

"It quickly changed, of course. Perhaps, if he'd stayed that way, I might've returned his love somehow."

She looked at me uncertainly, like she was feeling guilty, at the same time relieved that she'd said something she'd been wanting to say for a long time. And I _knew _what her words meant. I'd been _right_.

_Does Byakuya know?!_, I signed without even knowing it, to which Hisana didn't reply. How could she? The only person that could ever understand my words was Byakuya himself.

"I don't deserve the love of a man like that.", she added after a moment. "Does Mizuka think I'm a bad person?"

I couldn't find a reply in my mind, so I did nothing. Hisana smiled.

"Maybe if I told Mizuka…"

In that moment Hisana attempted to take a step towards me; she suddenly collapsed, devoid of all feeling. She'd fainted in less than a second, no warning – I immediately jumped up to her and lifted her up in both arms. She was light as a feather.

Though her words still bugged me, I didn't think about them anymore that day. I just carried her to her bedroom and put her back in bed; then, as it was around six, I just went back to what I'd started two hours earlier.

I realised Hisana was yet to find out Kiri was gone. I wondered what her reaction would be. I wondered what Byakuya would do. All that.

"Good morning"

Byakuya discreetly yawned as I put a tray next to his bed. There were two cups of tea there, as usual. One was vanilla, and the other – wisteria-scented black.

Byakuya half-consciously reached for the second up, and put it to his lips. Not that it came as a surprise, he didn't really drink the vanilla tea I gave him, as I've mentioned – but…

Still…

"These scents don't match very well, Mizuka", he scolded.

Well no shit.

_Sorry, _I signed, cocking an eyebrow. _But the tea is good?_

"You _have_ done better", he sighed and put the tea back, rising from his mattress. I longingly stared at the comfy mix of cushions and covers that his bed had recently been equipped with; it must feel good to wake in something like that. "Are you alright? You look slightly pale."

_I'm perfectly fine, _I replied with a smile, watching him pick up the cup again and take a sip. _But Kiri left_.

Byakuya chocked.

He looked at me, shocked, and put the cup down immediately.

"She left? Where is she?"

_I don't know. She didn't leave a note, _I replied sadly, _but I did alright without her help on the breakfast, and I also managed to make something sweet for Hisana-sama. _

"Kiri _left_?", Byakuya seemingly ignored my efforts of changing the topic.

My eyes narrowed a little.

_Leave her be, Byakuya, _I signed and looked away to hide my own grief. _I can manage with everything. You don't have to worry. _

"Mizuka, you aren't yourself.", he spoke coldly, taking a step towards me. Then, he put a hand on my shoulder. "You can't take care of _all_ the work, you know that. I will promptly employ a new steward and head to replace Hana-san and Kiri."

_I don't want anybody else._

"What did you say?"

_I don't want anybody else, _I repeated stubbornly.

"Your behaviour is immature."

_I can cook and clean and shop and tend to Hisana-sama and…_

I counted angrily, listing a crazy amount of tasks, and it was obvious I couldn't carry them all out, come _on. _Truly, physically impossible. But I _wanted _to do so, and-

Byakuya grabbed hold of both my dancing hands.

"Sh."

I faced down, closing my eyes. Pride? What is that even? I'd lost it all.

"Are you afraid?", he asked quietly.

I nodded.

"You aren't alone, Mizuka. Neither of us is, though I see we share the tendency to think so."

I remembered my own thoughts. _Nobody actually likes me. It's just Mizuka, the mute girl. The mute girl…_

_I'm so stuck up. No wonder people stay away from me. I'm so proud and annoying. Why would anybody want to talk? _

_Aristocracy is so amazing. This manor, so beautiful. So much higher than me… _

I looked at Byakuya.

_Mizuka-chan to __Mizuka-san. Why?_

When I created distance between myself and the others, they started viewing me as somebody high and mighty. As somebody… elite…

I stared at Byakuya, slowly realising it had been the same for him.

He suddenly cleared his throat and let my hands go.

"How's Hisana?"

_She fainted today, _I answered shamefully. I was feeling guilty again. This man… this man. _She's resting now, I think. I'll bring her that sweet I mentioned earlier. _

"And I'll… send Nika to search for new servants.", he nodded. "Hopefully, they will be of use to you, Mizuka. I'd also like to inform you…"

Even in his night robe, he looked royal, like he was announcing who had won a competition.

"…That she won't be searching for somebody to take Hana-san's place.", Byakuya lightly lowered his head. "That is your position from now on. Please ask Tario for a chance of attire."

I gasped.

* * *

_AN: Dear God, I cannot believe I just spent three hours on this crap. _

_I'm sorry it's choppy and weird, I think my bunny has been brutally murdered. Or maybe I'm just tired? Anyway, please do review, and let me know what you liked and/or disliked. I want to improve! _

_*pokemon theme song plays in the background*_


	5. Chapter 5

...

_AN: Holy shit it's been a while. _

* * *

"What taste, Mizuka-san?"

The girl through the mass of curly red hair onto her back and swallowed, looking me in the eyes as she stood ready with the cups.

Shit, the biggest problem was getting Tario to understand what I needed. I now wore my creamy yellow clothes proudly, with flowery decorations in my hair and two bracelets on my wrist. I learned the function Byakuya had given me was more representative/coordinative than actual work, and I could have Nika-chan (yes, she was –chan now) scurry about. It was an odd feeling, but the rest I was getting was nice.

I pointed to the right leaves; vanilla and wisteria-scented black, as always. Nika-chan furrowed her barely visible, orange eyebrows.

"Why does Kuchiki-sama drink such odd tea?", she asked, glancing at me.

I gestured her closer. She uncertainly moved towards me, and I took that chance to put a hand on her nape and pull her in, making her sniff me. She pulled away quickly, and looked at me wide-eyed; I smiled.

"Wow, that's wisteria? It smells so beautifully…"

Nod.

"So he likes the smell?"

Nod. Nika-chan was a smart girl.

"What about vanilla?", she asked, blinking. "Those two scents don't mix that well, if you ask me."

I raised a hand to point upwards; that had become the universal gesture for "Hisana-sama is…", and "Hisana-sama wants…", and "Hisana-sama needs…", depending on the context. Nika raised her eyebrows.

"Oooh! So he takes the wisteria because he likes the smell, and he takes the vanilla because it reminds him of Hisana-sama, yeah?", she blurted out, looking like her eyes were about to pop out. That sentence hit me in the chest, but I smiled, nodding. I was suddenly out of breath.

No, that wasn't the reason he drank wisteria-scented black at all…

"Hey", Nika glanced away. "Mizuka-san. You and Kuchiki-sama… you're good friends, right? I-I'm sorry for being so bold, but I often see you talking in that weird sign language, and sometimes it's for hours, and he never turns his head when servants pass him, but he turns his head when you do! That's why I thought you knew each other well…"

I blinked, surprised. Had we really been spending _hours _on conversation? I never noticed. Dear, it wasn't that good that Nika-chan had noticed this, because as Kiri had once said, being close to a married master of the house was never good news.

But Byakuya…

I realised I hadn't replied, and shook my head quickly, laughing soundlessly. Nika turned red.

"O-okay. I'll bring him the tea then."

I gestured with my hands to shoo her away. I was left alone in the head's room, hands joined on my stomach and gaze fixed in the floor. My new room was comfortable and pretty, much more than my old quarters – the one I'd shared with Kiri – that were now Nika-chan's. It was more lonely now, though, with my best friend gone.

I still missed her, but hey. She was probably happier now. One thing for sure, if she ever came back, I'd whack her across the head and then help her in any way I could.

Kiri's short hair with the white strand in it. Kiri's warm eyes. Kiri's strong hands. Yes, we needed somebody like that; everything was so incomplete, but still, I…

I had to manage.

Hisana was getting worse as well. Nobody said so of course. "She's looking better", the servants whispered amongst themselves, "I saw her smile today". "She's not as pale as usual, don't you think?"

But her skin was getting greyer and greyer. Her eyes were losing their depth. And her body was growing weaker every hour. It drained Byakuya as well; this poor man I loved so much. There were bags under his eyes, he had nightmares. How did I know? So many times, I had to come wake him up at night in worry he'd yell and disturb Hisana-sama. Those were his own orders. "If I struggle, if I speak, please shake my shoulders until I am out of it. I would never want to be the cause of my wife's unhappiness."

Mizuka this, Mizuka that. Mizuka could do anything he asked and she _would _do it.

* * *

It was half a year after Kiri left the household that I accompanied Byakuya to work.

Why? Because he'd asked. "It's a beautiful day", he said, which was already odd, "Wouldn't you agree, Mizuka?"

When I replied with a simple _yeah _of my hands, he turned to look at me from over his cup. His morning hair was still a bit messy, his eyelashes tangled. The sun lit his white robe up from behind, making him seem to glow. But then again, he always glowed in my eyes, so.

"Say, wouldn't you want to walk with me to my office today?"

_Do you want bentou as well, schoolgirl?, _I asked with a mischievous smirk.

Byakuya's lips quirked into a smile, but at the same time, he looked annoyed. He closed his eyes.

"Mizuka. Are you going to accompany or not?", he asked again, using his hands as well. I grinned and nodded, walking up and sitting in the chair next to his as he finished his morning tea.

_Byakuya. _

"Hm? What is it?"

_Why do you want me to come?_

"I'm… not entirely sure, but. Isn't the weather reason enough?", he looked down at the gardens stretching out below. They'd bloomed more beautiful than ever this year; white, but also pink with a taint or orange in the corners. Whoever had planned those was certainly a real artist.

"How's Hisana?", he asked all of a sudden. The gardens must've made him think of her.

I flinched at the mention of her name.

_You know I won't lie to you. _

Nika-chan had been right, we'd gotten close. Losing Hana and Kiri so abruptly left a mark on us both; nobody else seemed to notice in how much pain we'd both been afterwards.

"I know she'll pass away soon.", Byakuya spoke quietly, still staring into the void. "I'm not lying to myself either, Mizuka. I just want her to die happy. I don't know what it is about her, but she seems troubled. It is as if there is something else on her mind, and I have no knowledge of how to fix it."

Yeah, I remembered hearing something from Hisana-sama that made me think that too. I pursed my lips.

"Perhaps she told you?", he looked at me, his eyes so full of desperation that I winced. I still wasn't used to seeing so much emotion in them so suddenly.

_No, Byakuya. I only remember one time she mentioned she was a terrible person. But she never said anything more._, I replied, _And I didn't exactly ask. _

"I worry."

_We all do. But she wouldn't want you to be so unhappy either, _I tried, feeling I was getting melancholy again. He looked at his balled fists on the table. _I don't wanna see you unhappy. _

"Why, Mizuka? What have I ever done to deserve your affection?", he whispered, looking me straight in the eyes.

_You have no idea. You id…_, I stopped and got up, feeling my whole face heat up. Pathetic-pathetic-pathetic. Not good. Not good. Should not have said that. No. No.

Anyhow, he didn't react. He only got to his feet as well and about fifteen minutes later we left the Kuchiki residence, me carrying a basket. With bentou. Yeah, I'd made some bentou, because I was head of household and I could make bentou if I wanted to.

As we walked through the sun-filled street, the yellow light brought out all the reds and oranges around us. It was my favourite, warm kind of light.

Warm-warm-warm eyes.

"Whenever I walk with you, something wonderfully puzzling happens to the light.", Byakuya said, looking down at me. "It's as if there's more colours."

I must've turned brick red, because that was a compliment greater than I think he understood. This must be what Hisana had meant so long ago by "rough-around-the-edges" Byakuya; perfectly balanced and expert in some branches, but a complete idiot in others.

_You think so? _

"I do."

Suddenly, a child bumped into him. The kid's hair was practically on fire, it was so red; and with him was a little girl, looking terrified. I blinked, surprised; the girl was looking me straight in the eyes with scary-almost intelligence and understanding.

"We're sorry", she said immediately, pulling her friend by the hand. The red-haired boy looked up and turned the colour of his own hair.

"So-so-sorry! Kuchiki-sama!"

I realised Byakuya was scanning them both with almost fearful eyes. It took me a while to see why – they were both unnaturally skinny, and to confirm my inner guessing, the boy's stomach rumbled suddenly. He covered it with his hands, looking as awkward as a little boy can.

"Mizuka.", Byakuya turned to me. "Excuse me, but could you give me the basket for a second, please?"

I immediately gave him his basket, and he pulled the bentou out of it with a smile in his eyes, but – of course – far from his lips. The kids stared with their mouths open as he knelt and held it out to them, keeping his ridiculous in the current situation mask-like face. He should've been smiling or something, but no; I was surprised it didn't scare the children away.

"Go on.", he said softly.

The red-haired kid glanced at the girl, and she lightly pushed him towards Byakuya.

"Rukia…!", he exclaimed, frowning, but then laughed and took the bentou, smiling brightly. "T-thank you! Thank you very much!"

I was stunned. It took me a second to remember myself; I smiled at the kids and grabbed onto the fabric on Byakuya's shoulder, getting his attention. He turned to me and stood up.

"You're right, I'll be late."

Like nothing had happened, he continued down the street. I hurried after him, but not without grinning like an idiot and waving at the odd two, who were now investigating the contents of Kuchiki Byakuya's breakfast.

* * *

The place wasn't as huge as I'd imagined it; I left Byakuya in a large room in the middle of the building, and then proceeded to circle it with interest. There were certainly a lot of rooms, and a dojo too, and offices – offices everywhere – and a library as well. Pretty amazing. I continued to scurry about, looking left and right, under doors and through keyholes; only then did I realise how used I'd gotten to the same stupid mansion.

Did he want children?

The thought tumbled into my mind and refused to leave. Was that it? Did he want kids around? Was that also why he let Suisen stay in the residence all these years? Come to think of it, where had Suisen even come from? He'd been there before me, and was still there, now that I was head of the household.

Nika-chan. She was young too.

No, I was being absurd. Why would Byakuya want children?

It took me a second just thinking about that, but then I slowly realised, maybe it wasn't only that. I'd already allowed myself to accept the option – just the option – that he'd married Hisana more in search of a mother than a wife, so could it be that he was unknowingly piecing together a family?

It was a well-known fact Kuchiki Byakuya was the last of the Kuchiki. He had no child and no siblings, only a dying wife; he was probably deeply sure he was alone.

"Hey, who the hell are you?", a voice pulled me out of my thoughts. I turned around; a man with spiky hair and sunglasses on his head stood there. "I'm lieutenant Shirogane, I effing run this place."

I stared at him for a few seconds. Be it not for the tacky sunglasses, he would've appeared as kind of handsome. He was tall as well, and very well-built, which he apparently wasn't scared to show off.

Actually, his bad-boy tone and proud stance made him more funny than scary, so I couldn't help a smile. I placed a hand over my throat to signal I couldn't speak, but he didn't get it.

"Eeeeh? I'm asking you, lady, who are you?"

Once more, I gestured to my throat meaningfully.

"WHO ARE-"

"Ginjirou."

Ah, my knight in shining armour had arrived.

The change in Shirogane was comedic; he seemingly shrank, and sunk into a bow.

"Cap'n."

"Ginjirou, what do you think you're doing, attempting to intimidate this woman?", Byakuya continued, pressing him into the floor. "It would be merciful to warn you now, it's a task nearing absurdity."

The lieutenant gave me an uncertain look.

"You know her, cap'n?"

"She's a friend of mine, head of my household. She decided to walk with me today.", Byakuya stared mercilessly at the poor man until I felt bad for him.

_He wasn't being annoying or anything, you can let it go, _I signed, giggling soundlessly. The lieutenant's eyes widened when he finally understood what I'd been trying to say.

_I am keeping up appearances, Mizuka, _Byakuya replied with amusement in his dark eyes.

"Can ya… can ya two stop? I can't understand a thing", Shirogane complained, scratching his cheek with a confused look on his face.

"Mizuka is mute. I would punish your ignorance, but she thoughtfully stood up for you.", Byakuya raised his eyebrows ever so slightly, still making the – actually really tall lieutenant – feel like a midget. "You should be grateful, Ginjirou."

"Y-yeah."

_I should better go, _I signed, shrugged. _You know. To keep up appearances at _my _job. _

Byakuya gave a short nod.

"Of course. I apologise for keeping you."

I have a short wave and trotted away, heading back for the residence – though the day had started out grim, I was now filled with happiness. Nothing could ruin it. Absolutely nothing.

Not on a day that I'd seen more colours than ever before.

* * *

_AN: A little short today, I know, I'm sorry. owo Please leave a review if you liked! o:_


	6. Chapter 6

_Dudes, you will not believe the kind of stuff that has happened since i last updated this cringey little fic. _

_First of all, bleach ended... who knew that was ever going to happen. Second of all, where is Bya?! Yoruichi? My other kids? Insane! I am bitterly disappointed. Third of all, I hope you guys are doing okay. Thanks for liking my writing, and for the follows that sometimes still come into my inbox. It's heartwarming. _

* * *

Nika-chan was looking tired from work.

The kitchen was filled with the soft glow of the afternoon, and as I helped her clean the dishes (not part of my duties anymore, but a tough habit to break), I noticed something lingering behind her eyes. She was looking into the water, but at the same time right through it; it was obvious she had something on her mind. I wondered how to ask.

Wiping my hand on my sleeve - not like anyone will notice - I raised it and touched her shoulder. Nika-chan flinched away and glanced up, startled despite the softness of my touch. I saw her gaze emerge from its daytime slumber.

"Oh, Mizuka-san, I'm so sorry. I completely zoned out.", she shook her head. I raised my eyebrows questioningly. Nika pushed out a breath from her very soul. "It's nothing, I just... I can tell you, right? I've been... feeling completely out of place."

I blinked, dishes completely forgotten now. Nika also turned to face me, though her eyes were bouncing around the room - fingers fumbling in her apron. I gave her the most sincerity I could muster. Couldn't really do much more than that; she'd have to talk by herself. I couldn't even ask her a question.

"You and Byakuya-sama are such dear friends."

An immediate flinch. Shaking my head. Trying to be as convincing as possible, hands raised defensively, but Nika-chan was far from blind.

"It's none of my business _how _dear, I know that.", Nika-chan went on, boldly, that I had to admit. "But Suisen also knows you well. Hana-san, Kiri-san. You were a family."

Wasn't that an overstatement? Hell if I knew. I'd been trying to keep myself distanced, at least a bit, from feelings like that. I'd had enough loss already - I didn't need more, and I really had no clue why Nika-chan had suddenly decided to scratch at my wounds. She knew well that I couldn't say anything to her. I couldn't explain what losing Kiri, my first friend, had been like. The fact she didn't even leave a letter; the fact Suisen had to comfort me, a _child_.

"It's like there is a secret that's kept from me. Like I said, it's really none of my business! But I really, really wish it wa-"

"Nika. Leave."

The sharp, bark-like words snapped through the air like a lighting bolt. My head jolted around to see Byakuya in the doorway - he _always _appeared there, always in the nick of time, like he could sense my distress from a mile away - but perhaps this wasn't the best time to be defending me, of all people. Not when Nika-chan so clearly saw- not when she was outright asking me for confirmation, not just a yes or no answer-

"Or", Byakuya went on, despite the horror on Nika-chan's face, "Whatever you want of Mizuka so badly, you may ask of me."

Nika looked like a cornered animal. Blood had drained from her face; she had never seen the master of the house in outright confrontation, and certainly not with herself against him. I could see her battling with herself over what was better; to step down, or to obey. She couldn't deny, but the question was incredibly rude. Private. Something my friend and I- my employer and I- had tried to keep as quiet as possible.

"I... I apologise, sir, it was not my place", ah, she'd gone for the first option. Safer, surely, but not the one I would've taken. When it came to Byakuya, I considered myself all but fearless at this point. "I shouldn't have suspected a thing. Dumb of me."

"Suspected?", Byakuya scrunched his brow, arms slowly folding on his chest. "_Suspected _what?"

Oh, dear. Oh, dear, dear, dear. Nika-chan was about to faint, but somehow now, I couldn't protest to his pestering. Someone had to finally say it; Byakuya and I hadn't had a single romantic interaction, _ever_. Byakuya had been nothing but a companion. He'd held my shoulder; brushed a hand over my head. I'd straightened out his haori. Friends. Year-long, inside and out, _friends, _because he was a married man - however unhappily, and to a woman who did not love him back - and because I was a servant, a girl employed by him to run the house while he worked and Hisana lay sick. We were nothing more than that, never had been, because not a word had been spoken of it. Nobody admitted anything.

In my mind, desperately, I was pleading _not guilty._

"Sir, you must know what the rest has been saying", Nika-chan almost begged. "It's alright by me. None of my business."

She'd said it three times now.

"About...", Byakuya, unusually slow-paced, had caught her meaning. "About me? And Mizuka.", by the end, it didn't sound like a question anymore. Nika-chan sniffled, then nodded, eyes drilling into the floor like she could break through it and fall into the hole.

"You stupid girl.", the harsh words that came from his mouth were unfitting. Dark. Enough to make Nika-chan shrink. "How dare you? You question not just my loyalty to my wife, but also Mizuka's honour? Nika, you are sorely mistaken. There is nothing", he presses coldly, voice like thunder, "of the like between us."

Then he stormed out, leaving us in silence. It took only a few seconds for Nika-chan to burst into tears, but I'd been ready - with a hankie to her eyes, I patted her back, knowing full well that even an ounce of Kuchiki Byakuya's fury was enough to wreck her for a week. Poor girl. It hadn't been her fault, in any way. I allowed her to hug me as I considered.

Theoretically, Byakuya had every right to be angry. Practically, his outburst proved that he was guilty, too.

* * *

Everything grew cold. Until, of course, it burst.

* * *

"How is Nika feeling?"

Byakuya's eyes were far from me as I poured him a cup of black tea. The smell of wisteria no longer drifts on the still, evening air; it is only black tea, and next to it, a cup of vanilla. His gaze slowly settled on me, allowing me to reply. I set the kettle down on the table, steam rising from its elegant beak.

_She'll be alright. _

"I'm glad. I should not have been so brutal."

_Someone had to be._, I signed warily, then blinked. _But, you__ know... honestly, I'm sorry. I'm sorry about this mess. _

Byakuya clicked his tongue, looking away again before turning where he sat, clothes loose on his shoulders and gathering into a sea of fabric around him. There were purple bags under his eyes that I hadn't noticed before. Was he losing sleep? Not unlikely. This poor, poor man.

"Mizuka, you don't have anything to be sorry about.", he grumbled, brow furrowed again, in a way that I'd been noticing more and more often. His smiles were dying down, as well. "It's... normal, that they will talk. I only hope it doesn't make you too uncomfortable. And that your relationship with the others is not affected."

That I couldn't say. In a house where only one person had taken the time to learn how to understand me, I really didn't have many people to chatter on to in the first place.

_Ah, to think about it; let them talk. They may see me and you so close, but they must also see you and Hisana-sama. Byakuya, I know that you love her. I have seen the boundlessness of your devotion, and so have they. If anything, I will be the one to bear the mark..._

Of adultery. Damn, I knew what this meant for me.

"No. I won't allow it. Just- deny it altogether", Byakuya swung his head. "Mizuka, you will not suffer in my place."

_It's just a stupid rumour, _I assured him, but he was not convinced in the slightest. That look in his eyes; damn him, for seeing through me so well, and damn me, for almost hearing his thoughts. I knew what was going through his mind. I could only hope he'd keep his trap shut.

_We're in a bit of a tight spot then, aren't we, _I tried to laugh it off, but to my dismay, Byakuya no longer seemed capable of answering a smile.

"At least tell me it's not true, then."

His words were like a blow to the chest. Knocked the air right out of me, clasped my throat. Even my hands, usually meant for speech, felt paralyzed with anxiety. Byakuya was looking into my soul, searching. Searching for _something_.

"Tell me", he pressed, leaning a hand against the cold, wooden floor, closing the space between us. His fingers were inches away from my joined knees. I could count his lashes, if I wanted, if I wasn't so focused on keeping my heart in my chest. I loved him. "Reassure me. _Reject _me."

Was he really so cruel?

How could he?

_Byakuya, you can't be serious. First you talk about protecting me, then this? You want me to break my own heart? You absolute moron. You bastard!, _my movements turned rapid when I jumped to my feet, knocking the teapot over and making its contents spill all over the paper on the mattress before him. Ink smeared all over, beautiful kanji ruined, but I couldn't apologize. I was fuming.

It soon became obvious this was not the reaction he'd been expecting.

His eyes were wide; his mouth, tipped open. Ah. If this had been his way of confessing to me, this backwards, awful way of admitting - perhaps out of guilt - how he felt, then he could stick it.

_And what? What, you thought I was respectable?, _I gargled at him, fingers twisting, shaking. _You want rejection? From someone like me? I would do anything for you. Hell, I would die for you, if you asked- but I will never tell you I don't love you. I am far too selfish for that._

_If you'd just kept your mouth shut, mercy of... _

"You love me?"

The innocent, surprised look on his face was enough to make my anger evaporate.

Standing there, barefoot, steaming tea flooding the floor, I felt helpless. I felt wrong.

_Well, now that you've gone and said it, I might as well own up to it, too._, I hung my head. _Though I have no idea where this takes us. _

"You love me."

_Will you stop?! Someone will hear you, and then we will be truly done for!_

"Mizuka, I thought...", he gasped for air, then brushed the silky black strands from his forehead. "Why? I keep asking you this, first when you became my friend, now, when you became more- I keep asking you, why? What is honourable in a man like me?"

What was I even supposed to reply to that? He looked so helpless. Maybe that was it, actually. Maybe it was the fact he had different sides to him, angles, like an unevenly cut diamond that glistens in a new, surprising way each time you turn it. Maybe it was his voice, deep and soothing, or his eyes. Or that fact that for me, he'd studied sign language, for me, _just me_. Maybe it was his devotion... to someone else, nonetheless. Whatever lay at the root of my affection, it was strong, and it was steady. It was the kind of love that could wait entire years; decades, if it had to. I would wait.

_Byakuya, people are complicated. I suppose you are my favourite kind of complicated._

He lowered his head again, puzzled, and pursed his lips. It was clear he had no clue how to react. Naturally. This man probably hadn't known love in any other flavour than unrequited, that is - until now. Surprising, too, given how gorgeous he was.

"People have come and gone. But you stayed."

_You let me. _

"Even when Hana passed away, when Kiri left- you stayed with me."

_I told you already. I'd do anything for you. _

Fragility? Honestly, my words were nothing in the face of how fragile he looked right now. I could say I would die for him; he would still seem more small and uncertain and bound to his feelings with a heavy chain. He'd been getting colder, lately. I knew this was probably the last time I would ever see him so dearly moved. I cherished it, and, tea forgotten, I slowly sat back down next to him, knees pointing to his side. The tea and ink sank deep into the fabric of my clothes. I did not care. Through the pain and the yearning, I did not care.

"Mizuka, I exchanged wedding vows with Hisana. I promised.", he said with a new chill to his voice, and glanced at me. "And I will never abandon her."

_You fool, I know that_, I shrugged. Nothing much more to add.

"And yet you will stay?"

_'Course I will. I'm not greedy, Byakuya. I like you as a friend too. We're both peaceful people... not teenagers in a drama. So if you'll let me, I-_

"Naturally.", he jammed in. "Come what may, you can always call this mansion your home."


	7. Chapter 7

_Long story short, I messed some things up. Welcome back after three months!_

* * *

The rain came down suddenly, dropping an ocean's worth of water from an absolutely clear sky. From where I stood safely on the porch, I watched the downpour with a sour look on my face. The lamp in my hand swayed. We weren't leaving the mansion anytime soon.

I hadn't spoken (well, you know) with Byakuya in a week now. Seven days of complete silence between us, no interaction of any kind, no familiar glances or smiles. Nika took over for me in terms of tea duty, and while other servants worked their asses off to provide for the entire Kuchiki residence, I twiddled my thumbs- and tried to piece things together for myself.

Kuchiki Byakuya loved me back. That much was certain- but equally certain was the fact Kuchiki Byakuya was going to stay with Hisana, and even if, in some universe, he'd decided against it, I would never be able to follow suit. Kiri's words had struck me deeply - deeper now than when she first said them to me - and I avoided Byakuya like the plague, drenched with sweat, anxious whenever someone sent me a dirty look. I knew what it was. Paranoia.

Death follows me. It's like I'm cursed, no matter where I go, everything fades.

"...zuka-san? Mizuka-san?"

I sharply turned to Nika. Still shy from her outburst last week, she joined her sweaty hands and fiercely searched for something to look at before realising that inevitably, she had to look at _me_. I gave a nod, permitting her to speak.

"With-with all respect, Mizuka-san, you've been out here for half an hour. Please come back inside before you catch a cold."

A shake of my head.

"Mizuka-san, Kuchiki-sama _personally _demanded it."

I had to keep myself from soundlessly laughing in her face. We must have been pretty convincing last week, with the whole "we are but employer and employee" circus, because if she really thought Byakuya's demands meant anything to me right now, she was delusional. He'd have to come get me himself if he really cared, and that was it, no matter how petty...

I sighed to myself. It had never been his fault to begin with.

If it had been, maybe, just maybe all this bullshit would now be justified. But Byakuya had done what a friend would have- while I, the immature child, pranced around and complained like I'd been spoilt rotten in my younger years. I hadn't been. I didn't know where this was coming from, and I didn't know how to stop it. All I knew was this- between us, he'd made me the one responsible for carrying the situation. And in the short span of two days since our disagreement, I'd suddenly, for the first time, felt like he owed me. Maybe that's not quite right-it's a little drastic, to be sure, so maybe- maybe what I mean is, Byakuya was acting _surprised _at my devotion. I'd made it clear that I was grateful for what he'd given me, and I'd given everything I had in return, so why-_why _was he pretending he didn't understand? Like he was lost in the thick fog, but refusing to reach out, to trust me. I realised what I was missing was _balance. _It was everything or nothing; and, in these absolutes, he certainly wasn't the one giving everything.

"Listen..." Nika bit down on her lip. "Mizuka-san, I know that... it's... it's somewhat my fault you don't talk to Byakuya-sama anymore. It's not good. I want it to get fixed."

I closed my eyes. Sure. Mizuka could fix absolutely anything, Mizuka was all-powerful in this house, apparently, Mizuka was all-knowing-_no_. Mizuka was sick of it.

Could this be what Kiri had felt? Like the entire residence was on her shoulders, and there was no-one left to help her carry it? Kami, I'd been too busy talking for hours and hours with Byakuya to even notice, and then she left so suddenly, I- It was a mess. It was a huge, horrible mess, and I was unable to deal with it.

"Mizuka, for heaven's sake. Have you lost your mind?" the firm, familiar voice spoke up behind us, making Nika jump. She scurried away and sank into a bow; I just turned. Byakuya, in his dressing gown, hair a little messy- expression displeased. "Get back inside."

_Or what? _

_Or I'll drag you back inside, _he signed, frowning.

_I'd love to see you try. _

Actually, I really would not love to see him try, because it'd probably involve the use of a very lethal bankai and several hundred swords. Not interested - but Byakuya didn't have to know that, and besides, it proved my point. We'd established our situation, hadn't we? Friends. Dear friends, and that meant he couldn't go around commanding me to do things. If Byakuya had two settings - "husband", and "master of the house", then what was the point of me even trying? I'd let my walls crumble and fall in front of him. I'd let everything go. And there he was, telling me to "get back inside".

_Mizuka, I'm serious. This is my concern for you. As your friend.,_ he signed carefully, as the glare slowly faded from his eyes. I felt my anger faltering slowly, like it always did at a simple display of emotion from him. Not to seem too obvious, I pursed my lips. Byakuya didn't give up. _Am I not allowed to care about someone who's been at my side for several years?_

I huffed and puffed.

_I guess... I guess you are._

_So what do I have to do?_

_You could start with saying "please"._

_"_Please."

Nika opened her mouth. I followed suit, then stared at Byakuya blankly. He'd said it immediately, with heart-wrenching honesty that punched me in the gut - not a single doubt in his mind, he'd said it, and was now looking at me with a deeply hidden pleading expression in his eyes. He wanted to talk; I couldn't refuse any longer. This marked the end to hours of conversation in his chambers; this crossed out the unsaid, the _secretive _side of our relationship. If we were going to be close, we had to do it openly, in the same official, natural way that Byakuya had respected Hana. I was head of his household; just like Hana before me, I held an important position and I could speak with the master of the house with ease. By eliminating that unspoken element, by having that conversation the week before, we'd figured out where we stood. It wasn't a good situation, but at least we were clear on it.

I loved Byakuya. Byakuya loved me back, but would remain with Hisana out of loyalty. I, being the ever so altruistic (masochistic.) Mizuka that I am, would accept this.

* * *

We sat, facing each other, in the gardens. It had warmed up substantially and the clouds were gone, but a chilly, moist wind still blew now and again; I could tell it wasn't the end of the rains. Hopefully, the afternoon would stay dry. If it didn't, the overwhelming amount of water would drown the rose garden.

* * *

Byakuya and I talked calmly about everyday matters. He already knew most things about me; I already knew a lot about him, so it was easy to stick to mundane topics. He did not sign. If anyone heard his side of the conversation, they would never be able to tell there was something else present. We discussed our shared life; shopping lists and fresh tomatoes at the market. Cakes to be ordered for Hisana's birthday. We got so caught up in our own little world that we never noticed then the first droplets fell from the sky; in less than a minute, we were completely soaked, running towards the mansion. I could feel the wet robes cling to my arms, my waist, my hair stuck to my cheeks and nape, and when we finally reached the front door, there wasn't a dry spot on me. Byakuya wasn't better off; he'd put his hair behind his ears to keep it from getting glued to his forehead, and now looked like a complete dork. I laughed first. To my absolute shock, for just a few seconds, I saw him smile widely in response.

The rain drowned the rose garden.

* * *

There was no saving it; no chance of getting it back, and our momentary happiness was soon gone. It felt like a bad omen, even though I'd never been superstitious - and I couldn't shake it, like something was hanging over us, waiting to strike. And, sure as hell, it struck.

That morning, when I went to Hisana's quarters to help her get dressed, I could immediately tell that she knew. She was weaker than ever; she couldn't even lift herself up from the bed, and breathing seemed a chore. Her chest would rise and fall chaotically, with rough, raspy sounds that made me shiver. I knew I had to go get Byakuya.

It was a while before he finally left the room. When he did, he was pale - almost as pale as she'd been, and both worry and realisation hit me simultaneously in the chest. I had no clue how to react, so I didn't. When he passed me like I was a ghost, I just stood there, idiot that I was, not even thinking of getting angry. All the years we spent together, the hours of conversation; it all went down the drain when I realised that in that moment, there was a canyon between us too big and too deep to cross. Like a crack in our world, Hisana's death tore through every scar we'd closed together, every attempt at fixing each other - two broken, lonely people, distanced from the world and now from each other, as well. And in my confusion, my pain, I would not have spoken to him again - if he hadn't come to me first.

He didn't want consolation. His eyes were empty; he was far from feeling anything, and at the same time feeling everything at once. His hand closed gently on my shoulder and he bent down. I stood, carved in stone.

"She has a little sister."

I didn't understand at first, but he continued.

"There's a _little girl _called _Rukia_ in the streets of the Rukongai. I have to find her, Mizuka. It was her only wish."

_Alright, I... _I signed, desperately searching for words. _I'll... ask around... I'll find her, Byakuya, I..._

Then, another thought.

_A little sister? All this time? ...why didn't we know? Why the hell didn't she say anything, I... We could have given her a home! ...Was this what she'd meant by "I'm a terrible person"?_

"I don't..."

He closed his eyes and faced the ground. I blinked furiously, clutching the fabric of his sleeve for dear life - Hisana had a sister? Why wasn't she living with us? Why had Hisana _left_ her in the streets... could it have been before she met Byakuya? Had she _abandoned _her little sister? Maybe they'd gotten separated somehow... Had she not made _any _attempt to find her, even after she'd married one of the most influential men in all of the Seireitei? My thoughts were bundled, too messy to even connect themselves to emotions, but I knew one thing for sure. Byakuya and me would not rest until we found that little girl. To hell with all judgement for Hisana's actions... it no longer mattered. The life of that child was more important.

"She said... she wasn't worthy of calling herself Rukia's sister."

I didn't know how to reply.

"Mizuka, I have to know... Did she really not tell you..."

I raised my hands to reply, but promptly realised his eyes were still closed. He didn't want an answer; he didn't want to know. I decided he didn't have to. A new wave of confusion went over me and hot anger burned by throat. There was _nothing_ I could tell him aside from what I already had the day I first suspected Hisana had secrets. We were both thinking the same; and we were both trying to justify it somehow, understand _why_. Perhaps Byakuya managed, but I didn't. I didn't.

* * *

_AN: I didn't proofread this. I'm sorry. _


	8. Chapter 8

_Weren't expecting this, were you?! Fear not, this is only a result of procrastination, not an increase in creativity. Or maybe they're connected...?_

_Well, anyway. Sorry for what happened last chapter, but most of you could already see it coming, I assume. Sorry to all the reviewers from last year, and thank you very much for all the support! I really appreciate every single review, and your patience. _

* * *

There's not really much you can do at a time like this. Nonetheless, I tried; for once, I didn't much care what the servants would say, and it was a good thing everyone was too busy giving Byakuya space to notice me sneaking in and out of his quarters. 'The walls have ears', Kiri had told me, but right now, they'd moved away in shame. Nika-chan turned a blind eye to everything going on around her.

I quietly tapped out a tune on the wooden floor, watching Byakuya shift in his sleep. His brow was knotted even though I knew he was dreaming; I ran a hand over his hair, and it smoothed out, his head turning to the touch. I quickly retracted my fingers.

It was the middle of the night, mere hours after it'd happened. The funeral would be held soon; and I already knew that I wasn't going to attend. Naturally not because of any kind of... any kind of _bitterness _I'd held towards Hisana-sama; Kami, I would never, because no matter how much I valued my feelings, those of others somehow always came up on top. If it hadn't been for the little sister, I would have stayed, I truly would have, but as Byakuya had said earlier- there was a little girl in the streets of the Rukongai.

A quiet knock startled me and I jumped to my feet, away from Byakuya's bed, grabbing the tray as I lunged for the door. I opened it as gently as I could - careful not to wake him, after it had taken him so long to fall asleep - and promptly breathed a sigh of relief. It was only Suisen; his little face red and puffy. He gave me one look of dark, round eyes and jumped to my legs, hiding in the fabric of my robes. His arms wrapped around me and he started sobbing, sniffling and gasping loudly every few seconds to catch his breath. I bit down on my lip, trying to comfort him with on hand and close the door behind me with the other - the little boy, as good a creature as he was, had no thoughts for Byakuya's sleep right now. I managed to awkwardly shut the door with the hand holding the tray and finally gave my full attention to the child.

"I couldn't find you, Mizuka-san! I looked for you all day!"

Guilt filled my chest, but I knew I wouldn't have been able to deal with him. I had arrangements to watch over; a heartbroken husband to console. And, lastly, a bedroom full of Hisana's things to put into boxes so that Byakuya could choose which to keep.

"Mizuka-saaaan..." the boy whined, still crying into my clothes. I peeled his hands off me and slowly lowered myself into a kneel, right there on the floor, forcing him to look me in the eyes.

I wrapped my arms around him, pulling him to my chest, and rocked back and forth with the boy's face in the crook of my neck. Hot tears were wetting my collar; a second later, they would turn cold, and I shivered. I couldn't say anything to him, no matter how much I wanted to, so I just kissed the side of his head and let him cry for a few minutes.

He hadn't taken Hana's death like this. In fact, at the time, I'd doubted he'd understood what death meant - but it was different now. There wasn't a doubt in my mind that Suisen knew what had happened to Hisana - and that she wasn't coming back. He was too young to realise the unspoken quarrels and guilt shading the Kuchiki mansion; to him, Hisana had been nothing but a loving, caring creature, always ready to offer a quiet word of encouragement or praise. To some, a model mother. To others... not so much.

"Suisen?! Honey, Mizuka-san must be exhausted, leave her alone for the love of-" Nika's shout echoed through the corridor, but was cut short by my fierce glare. I put everything into that one look - my bitterness, my damage, _everything _about my life that screamed that right now, I needed this.

"Mizuka-san, I can stay with you, right?" he mumbled, pulling away for just a second. I immediately nodded. He sank back into the hug, and I lifted him up with me as I stood up. I gave Nika-chan a forgiving glance and shook my head.

"You're sure you're okay?" she asked shyly, joining her hands on her stomach. "I'm sorry, Mizuka-san, I just thought..."

I nodded.

"Is Kuchiki-sama asleep?"

Another nod. Nika-chan bit down on her lip, then tapped Suisen on the shoulder - eyes puffy from crying, he turned around and sent her an obedient glance.

"Suisen, sweetie," Nika-chan swallowed. "Mizuka-san is leaving tomorrow. She'll be back soon, but I just want you to know that if you need anything, you can come to me. It's well past your bedtime too, so don't keep Mizuka-san up too long."

Suisen nodded. A tiny "okay" left his mouth and he was hugging me again, eyes closed and little arms wrapped around my neck. I bowed my head to Nika as a 'thank you' and left towards Suisen's room, right by the kitchen, a small place with a small bed and a small cupboard to keep his things in. I'd only been here a few times before; he only slept here anyway, given the fact he spent most days running around the mansion and bothering people. I set him down on the bed and kissed his forehead.

"Mizuka-san, you're the only one left," he mumbled just as I was getting ready to leave. I stopped, frozen, and looked over my shoulder with wide eyes. Suisen rubbed his cheek. "You're the only one. Everybody else is gone... You 'n Kuchiki-sama are all that's left."

I blinked, fighting off the tears. I really wanted to tell him that this wasn't the end of the world. That Nika-chan cared about him just as much as Kiri had, and the new servants would eventually warm up to him too. That Byakuya would always watch over him, because even thought he was scary on the outside, inside he would never let any harm come to his family. I didn't want Suisen to grow up too fast.

* * *

The next morning, I got up before dawn to pack a decent amount of food in a basket for my trip that could, possibly, take longer than a day or two. Tario and Erna, two servants of whom the latter had only just joined the household (recruited by me, of course) would be accompanying me also, but only tomorrow; they had to stay to prepare the funeral, but Byakuya had wanted me to start the search as soon as possible. I didn't blame him. I, myself, was also eager to find the girl - and it was definitely what Hisana would have wanted. Everything else aside, it was clear she'd loved her sister very much.

It was the least I could do.

I glanced over my shoulder to check the fateful kitchen doorway, where he always appeared when I needed him to. As I probably should have known, it was empty. I returned to packing up sandwiches.

Was it heartless of me?

It was times like these that I missed Kiri and Hana-san even more desperately. They'd both been sturdy, strong women, a _foundation _to the household, an idea that I just couldn't live up to. I was nothing like them; not able to do much, not able to deal with half the things that happened to me.

But, hell if I was going to fall into a well of self-pity when the entire Kuchiki residence was relying on me.

I angrily stuffed a scarf into the basket along with all the money and groceries, wrapped another layer of fabric (in the form of a long gown-like coat) around myself and turned to the door facing the path down the hill, where the sun was only just peeking out from behind the mist and clouds. The chilly scent of 5 am filled my nostrils. It was refreshing and comforting, but brought you back to reality at the same time - it planted your feet in the ground and made you see clearly, and that was all that I needed in that moment.

"Everything alright?"

I glanced to the kitchen doorway and sure enough, there he was, like my thoughts from before had summoned him. I made one final attempt to keep my hair in place, then put the basket over my arm and smiled faintly at Byakuya. Honestly.

_Yeah. I'll do my best._

"Be safe. I'll find you as soon as I can."

_You don't have to. _

"I _do _have to," he closed his eyes. "She's my family now."

_That's fair._, I signed uncertainly. I didn't know how he'd do in the Rukongai; then again, he was Kuchiki Byakuya, so really, what was I worried about? I shook my head.

"Mizuka, I just..." he sighed and closed his eyes again, like he couldn't piece his thoughts together. He took a few steps towards me and placed a hand on my shoulder, grey eyes unreadable for once. "I am thankful. For everything you're doing for me."

_Yeah, I've heard that before. Byakuya, don't you understand? I'm repaying a debt._

He flinched, and I realised that that was the single worst thing I could have said. Doubt flooded his eyes and his face turned in a clear expression of distrust; on instinct, I grabbed him by the haori and pulled him back to me, keeping him there.

_No, listen! I meant to say- I meant to say that you've done a lot for me, too. You need to understand how much.__ It's good to have a home, and I want you to know that I'm going to fight for this home just as strongly as you are, because you are dear to me. Alright?, _I signed quickly, desperately. _This is our balance. _

"Dear to you."

_Byakuya, what I'm saying is, you don't need to thank me. I love you. _

He breathed in, eyes settling on the floor as soon as I was done talking. Then, he slowly put an arm around me, and pulled me flush to his chest.

I was feeling a lot of things at once. First of all, the softness of his haori, and the overwhelming feeling that that fabric probably cost more than all the things in my possession put together. Secondly, the fact that my arms had - at some point - gone around his waist, and I was hiding my face in his chest, a very sudden and very unwelcomed headache now cracking my skull in half. It hurt like hell, my temples, my forehead; it took me a moment to realise it was the kind of pain you felt when you were about to cry, but trying very hard not to. Warmth and shivers went over my shoulder blades at the same time.

"Mizuka, you're crying?"

Well that was a dumb question. Of course I was crying, couldn't he tell? I wasn't actually sad, though - it felt deceivingly random, like something far deeper down inside of me had broken, but it hadn't reached the surface yet. The tears felt premature.

"That's fair. Cry. I've hurt you many times over."

Not false, but not true, either. That was just our balance. I pulled back and wiped my face with the back of my hand, or at least attempted to, because Byakuya had reached up and dried my tears with his sleeve. I almost laughed upon realising we had the same impolite habit.

I looked up, at his face, and realised how much I wanted to get closer to him again. He was so beautiful; his personality was everything I'd been unknowingly searching for. He kept me steady; when I had nobody else, I could come to him, and he would hold me standing. And I'd do the same for him- anything, anything at all. I must've had an incredibly sweet expression, because Byakuya rapidly backed off - defensively, almost, like he was keeping himself in check. He straightened out his haori and cleared his throat, eyes downturned, but he couldn't hide how moved he was. Aw- he'd really wanted that hug.

A pat on his shoulder brought him back to reality.

_Alright, now I really have to go, _I signed. _Be strong. Tell Hisana that I hope she's at peace, and that I'll do my best to find Rukia. _

"Of course. But I'll join the search soon, Mizuka," he did his best to smile. "Hurry back before someone burns down the house in your absence."

Nod. I turned on my heel, and deciding not to prolong the goodbyes any more, ran down the stone path to the city.

Like a curse being lifted, I felt a sudden weightlessness the second I passed the gate. My feet were light, like I could take one step into the air and just fly off; my stomach filled with butterflies. The clouds of vapour going up from my mouth only reminded me how hot my cheeks felt despite the cold; I knew I was as red as a beetroot. I did my best to contain it, especially since it was clashing so violently with the sadness; I didn't understand what I was feeling, whatsoever.

The first few stands were already being set up, fresh fruit and vegetables lying around in crates. An older man who used to sell me carrots when I was still an errand girl sent me a glance; his eyes widened, and I knew there was no escaping him now. With a forced smile, I approached.

He eyed my robes, and a wide smile appeared on his face.

"Got a promotion, did we? I was wondering where you'd gone!"

A curt nod. I pulled out my notepad; in simple characters, "Rukia" stood written there. I waved a hand around the level of my hip to signify what I meant. Accustomed to my way of communicating, the old man tilted his head in thought.

"A child?"

Nod.

"A little girl? You're looking for a little girl, called Rukia?"

Nod.

"My dear, there are many homeless children around," he swung his head and crossed his arms on his chest. "I don't know for sure where they sleep, but they always seem to be headed that way."

Here he pointed loosely down the street.

"There's a complex of abandoned buildings outside of town. Be careful, dear. It's no place for a pretty young girl like you."

Wow, he really had no clue where I was from.

I bowed my head in a 'thank you' and moved along. Yes, asking around was going to take a while. But living like this had made me patient enough; in all honesty, the prospect of going through the same tedious conversation time and time again didn't bother me. I'd missed this. Not really a social person, I still enjoyed seeing something that wasn't the grey walls of the Kuchiki residence - the sky open above me, and for the first time in a while, having the chance to forget.

"A dog? No? A cat, maybe? _Oh, _a child. Hm. Well, there's Yuko for sure... but I haven't heard of a Rukia."

"Rukia? Nope. No clue who that is."

"Rukia, Rukia. Sounds familiar, but I honestly can't remember..."

The day flashed by, with no success.

I dragged myself to a small tavern, snug in the corner of a square; it looked very old-fashioned, with flaps of fabric guarding the entrance, but I could tell it had rooms - the lights in the upper floors were on. I entered, basking in the pleasant warmth of a small fireplace and several grills further into the half-open area, completely empty at the moment. It'd gotten dark faster than I could have anticipated, so for a second, I'd thought I was stranded - but then, this miraculous place appeared. The host glanced up from over a pan with glassy, tired eyes. His hands were red and wrinkled with years of work; his face, droopy. Even the hat sat crooked on his head.

"Evening, lady," he murmured monotonously.

_Hello, _I signed warily, my gestures half-hearted. I wasn't really counting on a response; 'hello' looked similar to a normal salute or wave, anyway. To my surprise, the host raised his eyebrows, and immediately signed back with more energy than when he was speaking.

_You look tired. Need a room for the night? _

_Yes, _I breathed out with relief.

_Come with me. _

He pointed to the doorway, where I could see a spiral of stairs going up. I followed him.

"We don't get a lot of visitors 'round here. The fee's decent, though," he said over his shoulder. "And it's quiet. Not bad, for the Rukongai."

_I wasn't aware I'd reached the Rukongai already, _I signed. He shrugged.

"You're in the better part. It gets worse, trust me."

_I know. _

He paused on the first floor. Indeed, there were several open rooms - three, I think - and he was pointing me to the biggest one. The orange light and mattress looked very inviting, and I didn't hesitate with his pay.

_It's a relief to find someone I can talk to out here, _I added after a moment. _Is someone in your family-_

"My son, err... He can't hear very well. Reads lips, though," the host blinked. "He should be back soon, I dunno where he's off to after dark... Anyway, lady, if you know the Rukongai, you know we respect people's privacy out here. I won't ask for your name- but you don't go snooping around at night, or you might run into some, er, problems. Got it?"

_Sure, _I sighed.

"Are you? 'Cause those fancy robes are tellin' me, you're a runaway daughter of someone important. I don't want any trouble. You can stay the night, but that's it," he blinked, and shuffled uncomfortably.

_I'm no-one important, believe me. I'm just a servant running errands for my master, _I replied promptly.

"Alright. That's better. Just had to make sure, you know. You don't look like a servant."

_How does one look like a servant? _

Apparently, he didn't have a response to that, so he backed off. He didn't return to the room; and rightfully so, because I was exhausted. I fell onto the mattress and curled into a ball, now missing the softness of my bed in the Kuchiki mansion; I almost laughed at the notion. Dear, I'd become spoilt, something I hadn't thought possible after years of hardship. A bed was a bed; before, it hadn't mattered if it was soft or not. Now my expectations had soared up, and I wasn't sure that was a good thing.

After all, would I be staying at the Kuchiki mansion forever?

My stomach turned.

I'd grown to consider it my home. With Byakuya, and all those dear to me, it had become the place closest to my heart; closer than anything else I'd experienced in my life. I wanted to stay. Always. Hopefully, I would be allowed to. For sure, with a new member of the Kuchiki family, I would be needed - and for sure, she'd need some sort of education, and I'd be the one organising her lessons, too. I went off into a daze, planning life with another child in the mansion, until I drifted off to sleep.

* * *

So had passed another day. The new morning was slightly warmer; I sprang to my feet as soon as I awoke, not willing to waste a single second. I packed, grabbed the basket and ran down the stairs - only to be stopped by the host, who had a fonder, more trusting look on his face now, and his eyes didn't look quite so dead anymore.

"Whoa there! Won't you stay for breakfast, lady?"

Ah. He was obviously very pleased I hadn't gone _snooping around_. Okay - fair enough. It was only reasonable to treat strangers with a pinch of salt, and I had done it as well, not having told him my name, but now we were on better terms. He moved aside and let me enter the same big dining area - the fire was as alive as ever, and next to it sat a little boy, warming his hands.

The host approached him and patted his head - the boy gazed at him with delight, then looked at me.

_Hello there, _I said with a warm smile, walking up.

_You're a customer?!, _he signed with his tiny hands, and grinned at me. _Did you pay a lot? _

I blinked, startled, but quickly returned the grin.

_Yes, I paid lots. It's nice to meet you, my name is Mizuka. _

_I'm Nel! Papa said you're nice, and you can stay another night if you want. _

I looked at the host, who seemed suddenly embarrassed. He scratched his head.

"Well, erm... I didn't quite treat you well, so..."

_It's okay. I have to go anyway, _I smiled at him brightly. _I'm looking for someone. _

"Who? Maybe we can help," the old man scooped Nel up from the ground and sat him on his hip.

_Are you searching for a lost lover? _the little boy raised his eyebrows, eyes wide with curiosity. _You're very beautiful! You could be the protagonist of a love story. _

Beautiful? Erm. Well, if he thought so, that was nice, I suppose.

_No, dear, I'm looking for my friend's little sister, _I signed to the boy. _She... probably has black hair, and violet eyes? Her name is Rukia._

_Rukia? _the boy repeated with even wider eyes, and burst out laughing. _You mean our Rukia? She's so cool! Everybody knows her, she's really nice, but she can deck you if you bother her! She punched me once!_

He seemed... awfully happy about that.

_Really?! _I opened my mouth. _That's... I have to know where to find her. _

_Well... _the boy deflated, pouting. _Well, I don't really... know. I go home when we're done playing, but Renji and her, well they kind of- just go to the big scary buildings. You can try looking over there, but I really don't know._

_Renji? _

_Her friend. He's an awful crybaby, if you ask me, but don't tell Rukia I said that. If someone bad mouths Renji, they're definitely gonna get it from Rukia._

Well-interesting, but I still had to go get her. Tario and Erna had better hurry up and find me; someone had to explain to Rukia what had happened, and that she was going to live with us from now on. If she agreed, of course... but who wouldn't? I shook my head.

_Thank you so much, Nel. If I ever come back here, I promise to get you candy. _

"Hey, settle that with me," the host said in a fake-angry voice, causing his son to break into a fuss. He only chuckled as the boy angrily explained that he was a big boy and could decide for himself how much candy was acceptable; in the chaos, I said my goodbyes and left. It left me with a warm feeling in the pit of my stomach. I'd done something - and though I'd been put on this track before, now I knew for sure Rukia was here, in the Rukongai, and she was - relatively - okay.

Just as I turned into the street leading further down, a voice called out behind me.

"Mizuka-san! Hold on! Mizuka-san!"

Ah. There they were - Erna and Tario, rushing towards me, both gasping for air like they'd sprinted all the way. I let them catch their breaths.

"We're sorry, we did our best," Tario assured, shaking his head, "we got here as fast as we could. Have you found her?"

The universal gesture for so-so. Then, I pointed behind me to show them the direction.

"Kuchiki-sama was very worried. He should be in the Rukongai this afternoon," Erna chimed in. "Do you know exactly where she is?"

A facial expression that could only be described as "naaaah not really" with a hint of "sort of".

"Lead the way, Mizuka-san," Tario bowed his head. "We're at your disposal. Let me carry that."

He took the basket. With my new escort, I felt a little more at ease.

We headed deeper into the Rukongai.

* * *

_AN: My god, what a long chapter! It's to compensate for the shortness of the last one - or rather, I had no good way of ending it. Please share your thoughts, I haven't heard from you guys in several months, and I just love feedback. Hopefully you're still enjoying the story. even though i didn't proofread this, either ;;_

_ps i'm really glad you guys like Mizuka. Personally, I find her unnerving sometimes. Kiri is actually my favourite character. _


	9. Chapter 9

_i like to call my writing style "i don't remember" with a dash of "who wrote this"_

_thank you very much for the kind review on last chapter (❁´▽`❁)*✲ﾟ* it made me very happy._

* * *

We got hungry after three hours of aimless walking in a seemingly post-apocalyptic mess of building remains and crumbling gates, eaten halfway through with thick red rust. I ate some of the food I'd taken; Erna and Tario both refused, saying I'd been out longer than them and that they could manage. They weren't _wrong, _but it still made me feel guilty so I left the vast majority in peace. Just in case.

"I don't like this place," Erna muttered at some point, crossing his arms on his chest. He was a cook in the household, a very skilled one at that; but he also happened to be a very big man, which was why he'd been sent along with Tario. "Mizuka-san, it's just not right. I can't imagine children living here."

"Shut up, Erna," Tario hissed in reply. Erna sent him a sheepish look, scratched the back of his head and looked at me again. I gave him an unconvincing smile. "Not everyone grows up lucky."

Erna continued to stare at Tario, obviously very uncomfortable. Tario ignored him, his eyes stuck in the muddy road.

I led them further, heading more to the east. It began to dawn on me that the small complex everyone had been describing was definitely not _small _by our standards - our, the people who'd spent years in the closed bubble of the market and the mansion, nothing more. Maybe I should have asked the old father for help... but it was too late for that now.

Mid day, for the first time since we entered the ruins, we heard noises other than our own feet padding on the ground. Voices - lowered, but definitely belonging to souls, accompanied by small clinks and scraping sounds and a faint smell of spices i still could never recognize. I looked at Tario and Erna - then raised my hand. _Wait here. _

"Mizuka-san, be careful," Erna said worriedly, shaking his head. "It could be bandits, or..."

Tario elbowed him in the ribs.

"We'll be close by, Mizuka-san."

I bowed my head in a thank you, then turned and began walking towards the building. It had wooden walls - rotten - and a poorly put together roof, obviously a new addition. The voices grew louder, though they were still noticeably closer to whispers than cries of joy or excitement; now I was entirely sure there were several children inside. When I reached the door - or rather, the planks of wood that had been nailed together into some sort of cover for the entrance - the voices rapidly stopped. I stood frozen a metre away, hand outstretched to move the planks.

Inside, I heard a new voice, definitely belonging to an adult.

"Hide. I'll see who it is."

I stood my ground, with Erna and Tario a few metres away, watching. I could feel how tense they were, but I'd imagined how terrifying it might have been if I'd barged in like a rich lady, with two bodyguards at my side. It would accomplish nothing if we scared the children - maybe Rukia along with them - and this could be our best chance. I was going to find Hisana's sister. I had to. So I waited. And waited.

And then, the door creaked and moved aside, revealing a dirty, ghastly pale face - but one I knew very well.

"Mizuka?"

The woman gasped quietly, took a step back and stared at me with eyes the size of dinner plates, mouth hanging open. Her lips were chapped; her cheeks sunken, and she'd visibly lost weight, but she was still as muscular and sturdy as ever, the unrelenting look still burning in her eyes. The white streak in her short hair had turned into several white streaks; there were wrinkles around her eyes and between her eyebrows, from all the frowning, but she wasn't angry now. She was shocked, and- relieved.

_Kiri. _

_Kiri, _in all her Kiri-ness, alive and- not really _well, _but _decent_, _alright, _and I was overwhelmed. I never even noticed when the first tears ran down my face; she smiled at me, and shook her head.

"Stop that, you big baby. What in the _hell _are you doing here, Mizuka?" the smile didn't leave her face. I wiped my cheeks, or at least tried to, and pulled her into a tight hug. Behind her back, I saw children poking their heads out from their hiding places - big eyes, glossy and curious, open mouths. The youngest couldn't have been older than five. I hugged Kiri tighter. I'd missed her so much, my first friend in the world, and it was gratitude more than anything else - at least at first. Then in turned into pure sorrow when I began remembering what she'd caused. I didn't _blame _her, but the fact remained; the memories of being all alone with the entire house on my shoulders, and Byakuya falling apart too quickly to help me with it. Being alone. Time and time again, I was alone.

"_Mizuka_?"

Dear, I'd really turned into a fifteen year old girl for a moment there. I pulled back, sniffling furiously and wiping my face, like a child trying to cover up how upset it really was. Kiri was looking at me with overpowering concern. It seemed it had only now hit her what she'd done.

"Mizuka, I'm..." she awkwardly ran a hand through her short hair. "It's been a long time."

I nodded.

"Come in. Are they-_ Tario?!"_

"Kiri-san!"

Tario broke into a sprint. Erna, who'd been holding the basket, looked very confused for a second before following - the basket flush to his chest. Both men arrived in a matter of seconds, panting and gasping - Tario bowed before Kiri and joined his hands in his lap.

"Kiri-san, it's been too long!" he puffed out.

It took a moment to get Kiri up to date. Erna explained he was new; he also explained that I was head of the household now. Kiri looked impressed by this; a proud smile lit up her face. She took us inside of the small, makeshift house - there was a tiny fire in the middle, burning very faintly, and two large bowls of steaming soup. Smaller bowls lay scattered around where the children had left them in a hurry. The kids now emerged from their hiding places - six of them, all thin, but not drastically skinny. Not as skinny as Kiri herself, I added in my thoughts. It made my heart ache, for many reasons at once.

"You were only a boy when I last saw you, Tario," Kiri sighed, sitting down on the floor. Two of the children scurried over to her and hugged her arm. We sat as well.

"I'm very important now. I help Mizuka-san with planning," he bragged, pleased with himself. Kiri looked at me again.

"You've changed. Are you happy?"

I nodded, shrugging. I never saw any changes in myself; perhaps only that I felt more calm. The lifestyle had given me a sense of belonging, peace, so naturally I was no longer chaotic and anxious- but with Kiri, I still felt like a brat doing the dishes.

"I owe you an explanation, Mizuka, I know that," Kiri sighed, touching her forehead. "And I'm only going to say this once, so listen to me. I'm sorry."

I blinked. Kiri looked up at me, her lips pursed into a thin line.

"I couldn't stay at the residence. It was nothing but an escape, Mizuka, and I know I shouldn't have left you like that. It ain't right, and I _know-"_

I shook my head, feeling more tears coming up in my eyes. I raised my hands palms up, and gently closed them, at the same time pulling towards me - Kiri understood my question.

"I didn't come back because I _couldn't_. I was so ashamed, but at the same time I just... Mizuka, I'm sorry, but Hana-san... she was like my mother... I'm so sorry..."

She'd lied when she'd said she'd only say it once. I saw her eyes getting glassy; I leaned in and took her by the shoulders, trying to make eye contact. She had to know I didn't hold it against her. That it was _okay_, and I was only glad she was alive. Kiri looked up at me.

"You're a good person, Mizuka. Far better than me, and stronger."

A faint shake of my head, but Kiri never noticed. She pulled herself together; Tario and Erna exchanged glances, but I didn't pay enough attention to know what they were on about.

"Is Hisana-sama..." she began and immediately trailed off. I looked her straight in the eyes once more, and Kiri pulled in a sharp breath. "I see."

She lowered her head for a second.

"Tario, how long ago?"

"T-two days ago, Kiri-san," he muttered. He looked to me for reassurance. "Kiri-san, we're... searching for a little girl. Her name is Rukia."

Once again, I studied the children around us, but found nothing that would catch my attention. Kiri, however, seemed to know the name - she looked up at me with a new spark in her eye.

"Everybody knows our Rukia! I haven't been here long, but I've met her a couple times- she brings lost and homeless kiddies here. She's one of the oldest around, so I can't stop her from searching the ruins... not that I could afford to. I have to be here, so that they have something warm to eat," Kiri admitted sourly. "I hate to rely on children, but it's the best I can do."

She smiled at the little girl who had dozed off with her head on her thigh, then looked at me again, momentary happiness fading.

"Why do you want Rukia?"

Out of habit, I raised my hand to point up to signify "Hisana-sama", then placed a hand over my heart. Kiri watched me carefully, somehow still preferring to ask me rather than one of the two actually talking men.

"She's someone close to Hisana-sama?" she asked.

Nod.

"Her... daughter? No, that wouldn't..." her eyes widened suddenly. "Her sister?!"

Nod, more weary this time.

"What... how... why didn't I know about this? Why didn't she tell us?!" Kiri snapped, that same old flaming anger engulfing her like it used to many years ago. "Kami, she had Kuchiki-sama at her side for years! If she'd only- Kami! Unbelievable! Does she have any idea what kind of life Rukia has been living?!"

The sleeping girl had woken up, and was staring at Kiri with worry. Kiri didn't notice.

"These children struggle every day! They live in the _streets! _They have no-one to help them, no-one to look after them! I can't believe..." she clenched her fists. "Mizuka, did _anyone _know about this..."

Slowly, I shook my head. It didn't feel good to hear Hisana criticized, but I couldn't say I disagreed, because... well, _Kami, _because...

"_Kami._ So Rukia was forced to steal and sleep on the ground while Hisana, her _loving _older sister, enjoyed life with one of the wealthiest men in the Seireitei."

I didn't miss the lack of honorific. Kiri was _angry, _perhaps even angrier than she appeared. If there was one thing more important to her than everything else, it was family. I could understand her fury.

It was, of course, more complicated. Hisana had told me that she thought herself to be a horrible person. It could have been shame above everything else stopping her; it was all _human_, _understandable, _somehow, but it made me angry nonetheless.

"Ah, Kami, I shouldn't be saying this," she said quietly and opened her hands, staring at her wrinkled, red palms. "I shouldn't be saying this."

I put a hand on her shoulder. What mattered now was that we find Rukia and take her home.

"Kiri-san," Tario cleared his throat. "We need to know where she is right n-"

My hand went up, palm facing Tario. He paused mid-word. I pointed to the basket; Tario turned to Erna, giving him a meaningful glare, but Erna was looking at the wall. Tario had to all but rip it from his hands and pass it to me. I put the basket down by the soup bowls.

Then I pointed at it once more; my hands moved out, as if expanding it, and I gestured both Tario and Erna to leave.

"What? Mizuka-san, what are..." Erna began, but was cut off when Tario smacked him on the back of the head.

"She's saying to bring more food from the mansion, you dumbass. Let's go."

"What? But Mizuka-san won't be safe!" Erna protested, raising his hands. Tario was glaring daggers.

"Kiri-san is here. She could bench press us both. Now get up!"

I burst out soundlessly laughing, because that was true. Things were beginning to clear up - and Byakuya would join us soon, which was more reassuring than I was willing to admit. Kiri introduced me to the children, and after we'd helped them unpack what food remained in the basket, we started talking again, leaned against one of the walls. It was afternoon.

"How are things with you and Kuchiki-sama, then?" Kiri asked me quietly, curiously, without the edge I remembered from our past conversations on the matter. "You don't smell like wisteria anymore."

I bit my lip, looking away.

"You know," Kiri continued, seeing my reaction, "I misjudged you back then. You're not the kind of person I accused you of being."

I am. I am.

"Mizuka, do you really love him?"

Nod.

"You're only hurting yourself by staying at the mansion, then."

No. He's my friend. We're adults, we can deal with it. Kami, did she really not understand?! We were not just tragic lovers, we were _friends, _and it was rooted deep; and we didn't need to be more than that to be happy...

Oh, Kami, who was I trying to fool. Of course we did. Our friendship was enough, but _barely, _just _barely_, and it wasn't going to be enough forever.

"Men are odd," Kiri raised an eyebrow. "I never truly understood a thing about Kuchiki-sama."

Well, I did, actually - but I was pretty sure Kiri knew this. She gave me a crooked smile.

"But really, I just want you to be happy. I think you deserve it."

Maybe I do. Logically, I've worked hard and I've done my best. But, in my gut, there was always something else.

* * *

_all aboard the angst train! _

_yes, Kiri is back because I love her. i recently discovered she is actually a carbon copy of one of my ocs by the name of Katie. whadaya know_

_i didnt proofread this because why would i pf _ɾ 0▿0 ɹ


	10. Chapter 10

_hello everyone, hope you're all having a good day. as you might have figured from last chapter, this story is fairly different from canon (shocking!), and I've made a change in how and when Rukia is "found". there are two reasons why: 1) i don't like the canon version, 2) since i don't like the canon version, i promptly forgot it and planned this story out (-ish) without considering it. upon reflection, it would also mess up the pacing since it would feature multiple years of byakuya and rukia being in the same area at all times (with his "search" continuing) while rukia trains to be a shinigami, and yet somehow managing to never meet. _

_no shade. at all. _

* * *

It was evening in the Rukongai when I awoke from a sleep I didn't remember falling into. Kiri was gone - one of the tiny children was pulling on my arm.

"Mizuka-san," the little girl mumbled, still yanking despite the fact my eyes were wide open. "Mizuka-san?"

I nodded a couple times, calming her down with slow gestures. One of the two slightly older boys sat up.

"Kiri-san said to tell you she went to find a healer for Luca. And don't mind Dor - she's just scared."

Luca - the litte girl curled up to my left, covered with half the blankets they owned. I breathed in. Right. I turned to the little girl once again, since she was still clutching my arm with panic in her eyes. She tugged on it harshly and pointed to the door - there were several cracks I could barely see through, but it was enough to notice the movement.

"Mizuka-san! Mizuka-san!" Dor got more agitated, pulling my elbow back and forth. The boy glared at her.

"Come on, stop it! There's nothing there, I told you already!" he argued, trying to grab her hand.

"Mizuka-san, I saw someone..." the little girl pleaded, ignoring the boy completely, and tears welled up in her eyes. "I definitely saw someone!"

I scooped the child up and passed her to the boy who'd tried to get her to be quiet. He said something to her in an angry whisper, but hugged her tightly right after - she wrapped her arms around his neck and hid her face in his chest, softly crying. Seeing the other children were being good and sitting together quietly, I got to my feet and walked towards the door. I was Mizuka-_san_, I was these children's guardian, and I had to protect them- or so I told myself, hoping the pep-talk would calm my nerves.

I stopped - with a simple, redundant gesture, I let them know they should stay put. The kids didn't move, maybe out of obedience, maybe out of fear of what was waiting outside. Then I opened the door and walked out, into the ruins, wrapping my robes tighter around myself to stop the chilly wind.

The sky was a vivid orange, but the illusion of warmth it created was just that - an illusion. Dear, I _really _wanted to go back inside and stay there forever - even though I'd only just left the house, the cold was already biting into my bones. I looked around - not a soul in sight. After studying the road, I glanced back at the ruins, then back at the road again - and bang, there he was, walking towards me dressed all in black, a look of concern on his face.

"Forgive me, I had to be cautious," Byakuya said when he reached me. "Word is already circulating that I'm in the Rukongai. This is not... welcomed news."

_What? What's wrong?, _I signed, taking a step closer.

"It's of no importance right now, Mizuka. Have you found her?" he asked. It was unlike him to brush me off, and for a second I felt a bitter tightness in my throat. But it was his right; and Kami, I wasn't going to scold him _now_. I pulled in a deep breath.

_Byakuya, Kiri is here. She's taking care of a group of children, and Rukia's been helping. We might just see her soon. _

I saw, for a second, genuine shock and relief in his eyes. His mouth opened slightly; colour returned to his face, and he stood silently, processing. Then it was gone.

"Kiri? Is she well?" he asked without any kind of feeling, like he was referring to a distant relative one saw once every few years and really couldn't care less about. I blinked, shoulders stiff. That had felt like a punch in the gut. Once more, I reminded myself to not lash out. He wasn't himself.

_She seems better. _

"I'm glad. When will Rukia get here?" he was monotone.

_I don't know, Byakuya. Come with me. We have to w-_

I paused, seeing his eyes were not on me. He was staring at the ground, but looking right through it - I was beginning to notice the details about him now.

The purple bags under his eyes were worse than ever, and his hair was not actually combed or clipped - just pushed, sort of, into its usual place. A thin strand had broken free and fell down the side of his face, but he didn't seem to notice it - he just kept looking somewhere else, somewhere distant, and I realised he was actually somewhere completely different. Not just his regular "zoning out", when I could tease him about it and prod him and laugh. He was _gone_.

The decision was spontaneous and probably wrong, but at the time I didn't really think it through. Seeing Byakuya in such a complete mental shutdown made me panic, and I was showered with terrifying, idiotic thoughts; things like "he might never come back" and "what if he does something stupid". With both hands, I grabbed him by the haori and forcefully turned him towards me, making him look at my face. The change was sudden - conscience poured back into his eyes and he looked surprised, like he wasn't sure how he'd gotten here. I didn't drop eye contact.

"Mizuka, I'm... sorry. That was... very rude of me, I don't..." he opened his mouth, searched for words. "I suppose I'm... tired. I'm just tired."

Sure he was. I took his hand and pulled him towards the house - it wasn't hard, the man was little more than a puppet. He had to hunch his back to walk through the door. As soon as we entered, we were faced with the same expression I got when I first came here - huge eyes staring at Byakuya, a few open mouths, children huddling together, ready to run. I let go of his hand and calmed them with a few gestures.

"Where are Tario and Erna?" Byakuya asked me quietly when the kids relaxed and went back to playing and talking. We sat down under the wall, both awkward and odd in our expensive clothes, but he looked more out of place than ever. This was how I'd grown up; and the clothes didn't change who I was, I knew that now. Byakuya, in turn, had never experienced this first hand. Somewhere underneath that numbness, he was mortified.

_You didn't meet them? I sent them back to the mansion to get food for the children. Kiri's looking for a healer. Hopefully she brings Rukia with her when she comes back. _

"She left without telling you?"

_I fell asleep. But... knowing Kiri, she'll take care of it, _I looked up at him.

"I didn't think I'd ever see you trust someone that way again," he sighed softly. "You have faith in Kiri, even after she left us?"

_I don't blame her. _

He didn't reply, eyes lost somewhere again. I touched his hand to get his attention, but he flinched - so suddenly it scared me too, and I jumped away, staring at him wide-eyed. Byakuya looked mildly startled. This wasn't right - this wasn't even _remotely _normal, yet there he was, acting like nothing had happened, blank-faced as ever and completely unfeeling. His eyes, once sharp with intelligence, looked like someone had dulled them down. It took him a moment to gather his thoughts.

"Oh. Hm... what- what is it?"

I breathed in.

_Byakuya, I don't think you should be out here. _

"_What_?"

This reply was much faster than the last one. For the first time since I'd met him, I saw what real anger looked like in his eyes; the weight that dropped suddenly on the house was overwhelming - noises of fear and surprise filled the small space as the children looked around, searching for the source of the sheer force radiating in all directions. It felt like someone had suddenly increased the gravity; my shoulders were being pushed down, and some of the children started crying. He was staring straight at me, pure, unhealthy fury flowing off him in waves.

_Stop it! _I signed angrily, and grabbed Byakuya by both hands. His brow was furrowed.

"Rukia is _my_ responsibility now!" his voice faltered for just a second, "You've done much for me, and for that I am grateful, but this is _enough. _I _won't _have you tell me-"

_Calm down. Byakuya, you need to calm down right now._

His eyes were icy when he sharply turned to look at me me.

"There is no reason for why I should listen to you. I've been a fool, and I've relied-this is enough!" he shook his head, and got to his feet. I followed suit. The presence had weakened, but it was still there - like a buzz in the back of my mind. "I'll find her my way... by myself. You go home. Now."

Ohh no. Now he'd done it. As he attempted to storm out, I grabbed him by the sleeve to halt him - we stopped in the doorway. Screw everything, he had no right...

_Byakuya! If you talk to me like that again-_

"No, Mizuka. You make a grave mistake if you think you have _any _power over me," he growled, and I tried to pull myself together. I'd never thought I'd see him like this. Byakuya had been many things in front of me; sad, happy, sentimental. But he'd never been angry.

The door closed behind us and we stood on the doorstep, looking at each other in the orange light.

_So this is how you're going to act? You're going to tell me off like a maid, _I could barely control my hands. _Oh, of course, the man of the house knows what's best for him and the child he's about to take in. Kuchiki Byakuya, above everyone else!_

"I said_ go home," _he pressed his lips together. "Or go somewhere else. It doesn't matter. Just let me settle this by myself."

I felt tears burning my eyes and forced myself to keep them from falling.

_Take that back. _

He sobered up.

Eyes wide, he stared at me, and I could tell he was replaying what had just happened in his mind, over and over.

_Take it back. You **know **I have nowhere else to go. _

"Mizuka. Mizuka," he blinked, taking a step towards me. I'd managed to stop the tears, but they were still in my eyes, and his image was flowing and shifting. "Don't... don't cry."

_I'm not crying. _

He took another step and put his arms around me. It wasn't just to comfort me, I knew that much for sure; he was comforting himself, too, and that was good. Every display of genuine feeling was good for him - so I hugged him back, wrapping my arms around his waist. It struck me now; I could never reach his neck. For some reason, that was all I could think about as the tears slowly went away. I could never hug his neck, or hide my face in his hair, or even pull back and see his face. And I wanted to.

He moved away, still gently holding my hands, and though he'd faced the ground I could see his lashes were stuck together.

"You have to understand, Mizuka. I can't go back now. This is for Hisana, and I need to be here, even if I'm not... at my best." he said softly, looking up.

Nod.

"I will get better soon. I promise. I..."

He suddenly glanced over my shoulder and immediately dropped my hands, but by the look on his face I could tell it had been too late. Slowly, I turned around.

Walking towards us down the road with two people by her sides was Kiri, her face frozen in a stern expression. She was looking straight at me.

Kami, she'd seen.

Kiri had always been like this - somehow quaint, always dealing in absolutes. I could see in her face that right now, she was convinced I had lied. And she was extremely ready to judge me. _You've made him into an_ a_dulterer_. She'd done this once before; when Byakuya bought the perfume for me, she already knew what she knew and getting it through her head that it _wasn't what she thought _had been hard. I could almost hear her. _It ain't right_. For some reason, Kiri put up a barrier between "us" and "them" - and it still functioned.

To her left walked a woman with frizzy brown hair and cheap earrings, a healer judging by the bag she was carrying. She hadn't noticed anything off; and neither had the girl walking to Kiri's right, slightly behind, with a blanket over her shoulders. It became immediately obvious who she was, and in the same moment, I realised I'd seen her before. Years ago. She'd looked like a little child back then; it was not that way now. After a few moments of looking at her, it struck me that it didn't go both ways - she was watching me with a calm detachment, and mild interest, but no recognition. It didn't matter, or so I told myself. The twist in my gut disagreed.

In a haze once again, Byakuya tapped me on the shoulder and walked past. I followed; we met the three halfway, and the girl stared at us with huge, violet eyes, her unevenly cut black hair poking in all directions. The resemblance was incredible. She looked exactly as I would imagine a young Hisana; they had the same nose, same face shape. There was only one thing that set the sisters apart.

Rukia had spirit in her eyes. And it wasn't pride, or confidence, or anything like that - just a strong, unrelenting will to fight, so visible it was almost intimidating. She had presence; she'd seen too much for her age (and she couldn't have been older than thirteen) and it showed. I looked at Byakuya. He had his eyes fixed on the girl, without even noticing Kiri.

"My name," he said quietly, "is Kuchiki Byakuya. There's something I want to offer you."

* * *

_AN: __okay bye leave me a review _

_I fixed some stuff because I didn't proofread this either. _

_Also sorry if this change from canon upsets you but honestly? what **is **canon at this point ? anyway thank you so much for reading(it's what keeps me writing tbh), and see ya next time_


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